Friday, July 6, 2007

Cutting-Room Floor Monologue of The Day

An early draft of the screenplay for
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (by Mike Myers and Michael McCullers) included a scene in which Dr. Evil appears on Jerry Springer and delivers a monologue reminiscent of the one from the family therapy scene in the first Austin Powers. The scene was cut in the final script, which is a shame, because it sounds funny.

Jerry Springer: Don't you have any secrets?

Doctor Evil: Okay. I have a vestigial tail. It's more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should. Also, I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you're a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot -- but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose-intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught in flagrante delicto by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Barry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men,"or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonz while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who, at the end of the day, can honestly say they haven't done that?

Bad Band Photos

And these are just the photos. Imagine the godawful music these cornholes make. Idea from Buff - thanks!

"Two in the pink and one in... no, wait... one in the stink and three in the... uh... shit.. hold on.."
"I will give you 18 American dollars to kill me."
"I like cheese."

Which one is Spinderfella?

Fact: There have been no successful brother and sister acts since The Carpenters.

"Wait. I thought you had the key."


Fifty bucks says these guys play Emo

"Boyz II Your Rooms.. this instant!"

"Do you guys ever wonder if it's no accident that we keep getting locked out of the studio?"

This band's name is Diskreetse Mango Trio. They are Danes, so we'll cut them some slack on the whole numbers thing.

I have the music in my hand, much like this hot fetid imaginary turd. Smell it?

Featuring Darryl "The Captain" Dragon on keyboards and Ann B. Davis on vocals

There are at least two guys in this photo receiving a "five feeler"

Sadly, Roger did not notice that Deandra was about to hork until it was too late. He can get another perm, but the pleather jacket is a goner

"No? Ok, how about zees? After ze show, ve vill suck up from ze floor all ze urine vid our -- how you say? -- vet and dry vacuumer device? -- for no extra charge."

It sure is hard to tell the Wilson girls apart since Ann got that gastric bypass surgery

Sex, drugs, and jeans shorts. Fuck yeah!

Undisputed: your band blows

The Cousin Its

I don't know their name, but I bet they do "Gimme Three Steps."

Some photos need no caption

The Beacons?

Artie & The Hijinks really made the TBS retreat a smashing success. Good fun and great music!

The Poofs?

I wish

Topeka's only .38 Special and Genesis cover band!

"Where's that goddamed bus already?"

"That better not be my new amp on fire."

Blew Man Group


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