Thursday, July 31, 2008

Website Of The Day

I've been saying this for years! Someone finally made a website. Thank you, sir or madam. And thank you, Bubbasmom, for the link.

Click the pic to visit SarahJessicaParkerLooksLikeAHorse.com



SNL Clip Of The Day: Punched

Don't miss the cameos.

8 People Who Will Ruin Your Party

From HolyTaco.com. Are they spot on or what?


8. Person Who Insists On Cleaning Up Your Party While It’s Still Going On

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: Right in front of you, asking if your drink is finished. Or, methodically moving through the party with a white trash bag and a look on their face as if they’ve been hunting Osama Bin laden for the last 6 years and have narrowed down his whereabouts to somewhere in this party.

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: Drinking a beer, much like sex, is far less enjoyable when someone is asking you if you’re finished every five minutes. It’s great that they want to help you clean up, but if you’ve decided to have a party, you’ve already resigned yourself to the fact that when it’s over, your house is going to probably look like the bathroom that Cary Elwes and Danny Glover woke up in, in the first Saw movie. I wonder if these people also decide to wipe their ass in the middle of taking a shit, just to “cut down on the work that has to be done when it’s all over!”


7. Guy Who Gets Wasted In The First Hour

WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM: Right by the fridge, bro, cause that’s where all the beer is!

HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: From the moment this guy shows up, everything he says has an exclamation point at the end of it. “This party rules, dude!” “I am ready to party TO-night!” “Let’s shotgun these, bro!” “Tits!” Then, one hour and 13 beers later this guy is incoherent, weaving on his feet and saying stuff like “Paartyyyygjlskdvm…” So, instead of kicking back and hanging out with your friends, you have to spend the rest of the night making sure he doesn’t puke on your couch, piss in your plants or crap on your coffee table.


6. Person Who Only Knows You

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: About two feet to the right of you, standing silently, staring at either you or the person you’re talking to.

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: You invited them because during the four and a half minutes a day you talk to them at work, they seem pretty cool and/or really enjoy the impression you do of a fellow coworker. Except as soon as they get to your party, they tense up like Alex Rodriguez’s asshole during a game in October. You have two options at this point, 1) entertain them and include them in every conversation you have the entire night, like they’re your wife or husband even though you probably don’t know their last name, or 2) leave them on their own which leads to them standing in a corner by themselves, staring at you, causing your friends to ask you “I think that dude in the corner is planning on raping you.”


5. Crying Girl

WHERE YOU WILL FIND HER: She’s usually holed up in the bathroom (taking up valuable toilet space) with three of her bestest girlfriends—all three of whom are overweight.

HOW SHE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: The worst part is that this girl isn’t crying because her parents just died or she lost a limb. She’s sobbing into a fistful of tissues because she always needs to be the center of attention. If everyone’s not focused on her and all her problems, she just starts crying louder about her job or some lame guy who won’t date her. If possible, pair her up with the super wasted guy. She’ll think he’s listening and he’ll think he’s going to score.


4. Person Who Just Got Dumped By Their Girlfriend/Boyfriend

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: In any corner where they were able to trap and force someone to listen to them talk about how they “don’t know what happened,” and how it “seemed like things were fine and then all of a sudden she just said that she thought that we were different people now. What does that even mean? Do you know, because I sure as fuck don’t! I just miss her so much. My name’s Brian by the way.”

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: If I wanted people to get depressed as fuck at my party, I’d screen a copy of Schlindler’s list. The problem with these people is, they don’t care who they talk to, and no excuse you give will stop them from talking to you. “Hey, I gotta run to the bathroom,” “No worries, I’ll just wait for you until your done, unlike my EX girlfriend, who wouldn’t wait no matter HOW important it was to go to the bathroom and would just leave you with NOTHING while you were in there.”


3. Creepy Dude Who Tries To Bang Chicks At The Very End Of The Party

WHERE YOU CAN FIND THEM: Towards the end of the party, he’ll be wherever he hears the words “I can’t believe my friends left without me, they were my ride!” or “I’m so (hiccup) fucked up (hiccup) I gotta lay down or something.”

WHY THEY WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: There’s a reason why this dude waits till the end of the party to try and score; he’s way too fucking creepy to do so when someone isn’t in some sort of desperate situation. Thus, although he’s there because he’s either family, a neighbor, or someone else invited him, you now have to hope to God he doesn’t take advantage of someone at your party, otherwise your party will not be remembered as “That Fourth of July Party at Bill’s house,” and instead be remembered as “that party at Bill’s house where that creepy guy tried to fingerbang Michele while she was puking.”


2. Couple Who Brings Their Baby

COUPLE WHO BRING THEIR BABY: Off to the side, on their knees, pleading with a 6 month old child to stop screaming, or right next to you, asking you where he can dispose of a shit-filled diaper.

WHY THEY WILL RUIN THEIR PARTY: Nothing says party like the sound of a screaming child and the stench of talcum powder and baby diarrhea! If there was a dude puking, shitting and crying at your party, would you be cool with that? No, you’d either be like “Who the fuck brought this guy?” But if you say that about a baby suddenly that makes you an asshole. Meanwhile, the party sucks because everyone is being super-cautious and attentive to the baby, as if the other 99% of the time that they’re not there the baby is barely eluding death due to unsupervision.


1. Politics Guy

WHERE YOU WILL FIND HIM: At the beginning of the night he usually stands right next to the front door where he overtly shows off his political button or T-shirt that says something like “Once You Go Barack, You Won’t Go Back” or “McCain = McStupid.” Then, after everyone shows up, he stealthily mingles from group to group while nonchalantly dropping lines like “Did you see what those fatcats tried to pull?” anytime there’s a lull in the conversation.

HOW HE WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY: No one in the history of parties has ever changed their political beliefs based on some asshole screaming about health care reform in the kitchen of a two bedroom apartment. His endlessly tiresome factoids and statistics about how much oil we consume and how the death penalty doesn’t work will make your guests either leave or kill themselves where they stand.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Vacation Photos Of The Day/Caption Them

A few sights from the beach. I captioned a couple but my brain is fried from the sun, so add your own to the rest if you like. I'll number the pix to make it easier.

Some nudity; proceed at your own risk.

1.

Oh well, it's a rental, so who cares?

2.

She better hope no crabs come along

3.


4.

PETA's gonna get her for wearing so much fur

5.


6.


7.


8.

The kid went up to the potty, so the Mrs. and I took advantage of the opportunity. There aren't many anymore.

9.


Vids Of The Day: Booty Dancing

Dancing with the booty. Or belly dancing, if you prefer (? perhaps Jadzia can educate me). Whatever they are, I keep seeing these on YouTube. I like them.

As my wife has been known to say...

Shake it
Don't break it
Took ya mama nine months
To make it


This one gets really good around 1:40


link


link

Whooooo! That's insane.


link

Ho need a little more practice


link


11 Shark-Infested Beaches

Or, places to send people you don't like on an all-expenses paid vacation. From ForbesTraveler.com. (The photos are jokes but the info is real.)


Kosi Bay, South Africa
Located in KwaZulu Natal in a dramatically beautiful, unspoiled corner of South African paradise, Kosi Bay is a series of four lakes that eventually connects to the warm Indian Ocean through an estuary abundant in flora and fauna. Zambezi sharks (the South African name for famously aggressive Bull sharks) are known for making forays in search of food deep into freshwater lakes and rivers, and this is certainly evident in the fish-rich waters of Kosi Bay.


“Shark Alley,” Gansbaai, South Africa
“Shark Alley” is a narrow channel between two small islands off the coast of Gansbaai, a charming fishing village east of Cape Town. It is also home to one of the densest populations of Great White Sharks in the world—and so if you’re keen to cage dive with this much-maligned beauty of the deep, here’s a good place to do it.


Brisbane, Australia
Australia’s coastal waters are filled with sharks of all kinds, but if you’re traveling Down Under there are a few things you should know. While the highest number of attacks occur on the east coast (in areas of densest population), most fatal attacks occur in the colder southern waters — home of more seals and more Great Whites. We decided to put Brisbane on our list because of a recent local news headline: “Shark mauls horse in Brisbane River.”


Bolinas Beach, Northern California
This tiny enclave north of San Francisco is notorious for its bohemian ways and its desire to keep the rest of the world at bay (apparently townsfolk frequently remove the turn-off sign on Route One). But that doesn’t keep the sharks away. Like its neighbors Stinson Beach and the Point Reyes Seashore, Bolinas is located smack dab in the middle of the Red Triangle (a region marked by its high density of great white sharks).


New Smyrna Beach, Florida
What do you get when you mix sub-tropical weather with gorgeous white-sand beaches in a charming central-coastal Florida town that offers everything? Lots of tourists. And what do you get when you mix tourists with sharks — most of which can’t always tell the difference between a human and a fish? “Shark attack capital of the world.”


Umhlanga Rocks, KwaZulu Natal, South Africa
Swimming at Umhlanga Rocks — a popular beach resort on the KwaZulu Natal coast just north of famously sharky Durban, South Africa — is perfectly safe. Umhlanga Rocks was one of the first shark-infested spots to benefit from protective nets in the 1960s, and to this day serious attacks have been dramatically reduced. However, the Natal Sharks Board is now rethinking its policy. The underwater barriers do keep out great whites, bulls, and tiger sharks, but they also kill a number of harmless creatures, too, including dolphins, rays and turtles.


North Shore, Oahu, Hawaii
Oahu boasts the second-highest number of confirmed, unprovoked shark attacks recorded in the Hawaiian island chain since 1882. If Oahu’s infamous North Shore waves aren’t enough to make you think twice before entering the water—can you say Bonsai Pipeline?—here’s something that might. Just three miles north the shark presence is so consistent that at least one “shark encounter” tour guide won’t ask you to pay if you don’t see any of the beautiful creatures.


Recife, Brazil
Recife, a lovely beach town on Brazil’s northeast coast, boasts a coral reef that attracts surfers and copious numbers of sharks that come to feed in the area. Which is why, according to the ISAF’s regional map of “confirmed unprovoked shark attacks," the state of Pemambuco boasts the highest number of shark attacks by far for all of South America. And why, when you visit the balmy beachside paradise, the locals will tell you to stay close to shore. Very close.


Kahana, West Maui, Hawaii
Since 1882 there have been just over 100 reports of unprovoked attacks in the entire Hawaiian island chain (the most, 34, occurring off of Maui). When you compare this to population size (roughly 1.2 million) and the many millions of annual tourists, that total is happily low. However, Hawaii is home to about 40 different shark species, including the occasionally aggressive tiger shark, and so incidents (including fatalities) do occur.


West End, Grand Bahama Island, Bahamas
Stories of shark attacks in the Bahamas and Caribbean are as old as the region’s tales of piracy, walking the plank, and buried treasure. The region is replete with sharks of all types, including blacktips, hammerheads, and bull sharks. According to the ISAF, Grand Bahama Island has seen only 4 unprovoked attacks since 1749 (none fatal), but that’s still more than all others in the Bahamas. And besides, West End on Grand Bahama is home to what experienced divers call “Tiger Beach”—a spot 20 miles off this coastline that “a lot of very big sharks call home.”

Wherever this happened...



Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Wedding Dress Of The Day

How tacky! He wore a light colored tie over a white dress shirt. C'mon dude! Show a little fashion sense.

At least his wife knows how to dress.

Thanks to Keva, Angela and Amy, who all sent this photo, presumably because they are envious of this woman's style and class.



News From The Beach

First, the good news. I've been in the ocean four times now and no one has tried to harpoon me. Of course, compared to some of my fellow beachgoers around here, I look like a survivor of the Bataan Death March. Still, I'm keeping my ears open for any cries of "Thar he blows!" so I can submerge quickly.

Second, the better news. I just got a new tank top for the beach, and it cost nothing. Cool, huh? In fact, I have five just like this. See, skid marks aren't always a bad thing.



Many thanks to Mandy for the photo.

Craigslist Ad Of The Day

A tempting offer for all you gamer girls out there. Fairly graphic, so skip it if you are easily offended. Thanks, Josh, for the link.

Want it from behind while you play Super Mario Brothers ? - m4w


Date: 2008-07-02, 2:35PM EDT


Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then.

You must know your way around the game before we meet, must be open to anal sex, also able to fake an orgasm is a plus.

I will send you the address to a hotel and a room number. When you arrive the door will be open. Please come in close and lock the door and close the shades if they are still open. I will be in the bathroom and the door will be closed. Turn on the TV and the Nintendo. Remove all of your clothing. Turn off all lights in the room and kneel down on the bed so you are directly in the light of the TV. You need to be facing the TV with your butt in the air pointed toward the pillows on the bed.

Press the start button on the controller when you are ready. I will hear the sound and turn the light off in the bathroom and come out. You will not look directly at me, only look at the TV. When the first level starts I will begin to finger you and lick you. I will be using lots of lube as well.

When you reach the end of level one, make sure to trigger the fireworks. This is vital to the entire experience. I must hear the fireworks. When level 2 begins and Mario walks into the pipe, I will penetrate you. You may say things like, "MORE", "HARDER", "YES", "FUCK ME", but nothing else. I will continue having sex until the level ends. DO NOT take the secret level skip. If you die I will pull out and spank you until the level restarts.

When you reach the flag you must again trigger the fireworks, and also orgasm. I will pull out. When the 1-3 starts I will penetrate your ass. You are allowed to say something like "OH GOD", "YES", OR "IT HURTS" no other conversation is allowed.

When level 1-4 starts I will alternate between holes as I see fit. You may beg me to cum inside or outside of you, depending on what you want. When boss falls and you reach the princess I will pull out and blow my load where you have convinced me I want too. You may then say something like "Thanks", "It was great", "I loved it", "Don't stop"

If I am impressed you may continue playing and I will continue to pleasure you. If I am not, I will turn the Nintendo Off and return to the bathroom. At this time you may clean your self with the towel that is beside the bed. Turn the lights on, redress yourself and leave.

I may come back out and talk to you as you dress but the conversation will most likely be short and revolve around scheduling another time to get together.

Best Of LOTD's Engrish Of The Day

Some highlights from last year. All pics from Engrish.com.


Oh honey, you look fucking lovely!


But taste like cat


Thank you, Foster Brooks


Here, crippie, take my seat


Great with wild lice


Now we know what duck sauce is.






You won't find it there, I assure you


You must go over there to die. Thank you.


Does it really matter?


Not nice. Some of my best friends are liquor heads.




Kind of redundant, isn't it?


Tell me, Clarice... are the heads still screaming?




Mother gets her anus done every week.


Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me!


Just off camera, another sign with the same thing points to the left


Flavors of the day: Dark Pinch Roast and Crappacino


I wouldn't tickle him


Weird, because horsebeans sound delicious.


"Would you mind terribly if I strangled you?"


I always have trouble choosing between pigeon and duck's head


Better known in the U.S. as Banana Republic


I knew it


That's not my heart that's tinkling


If there's one thing we don't need help with...


No break dancing!


Time limit for teenage boys: 15 seconds


"See you after the flight, Mom."




Seen in front of every Holiday Inn Express


Mmm.. that's good dork.

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