Thursday, April 10, 2008

Answers From The Australian Tourism Department

Well, not really. That was the claim in an e-mail that has circulated in various interations since 2000, but, sadly, it's a fiction. Still, it's amusing, and I'm glad Lindsey sent it in for us.

These were posted on an Australian tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV; how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles; take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA )
A: Africa is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Australia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Austria is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney, and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in America, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Vid Of The Day: Doovde

Another good one from Harmony. It's been around a while, she says, but once again, I've never seen it, and I spend an assload of time on the web, so I'm hoping you haven't either.

Oh, and I would have hung up on this guy about 10 seconds into the conversation.

Happiness Is...

When your sweet child comes into your office out of the blue while you are working, climbs up into your lap, snuggles up to you and says, "I'm glad you're my daddy."

Wow. And she didn't even want anything.

(This actually happened last week, but she's at her grandma's for Spring Break, and I miss her.)

Classic Vid Of The Day: Ah, L'Amour

A great little animation I'd forgotten about. Thanks, Jennifer, for the reminder.

Contains graphic cartoon violence.

Backstage Riders Of The Day

You've heard about ridiculous requests that some performers make when they tour (no brown M&M's, etc.). Here are actual contract riders for backstage demands. Click names to see what they gotta have on tour. From The Smoking Gun.

Elton John - and the loo should be precisely 68.5 degrees

JLo - I think she likes white.

Janet Jackson - no fish ice!

Styx - two pizzas? Not a problem.

Busta Rhymes - Rough Riders and turkey burgers

Mandy Moore - doesn't need much, bless her heart

U2 - found what they're looking for: booze.

Diana Krall - hard to top JLo, but she did

Van Halen - everyone hates crappy tequila

Prince - expects gifts and flowers from fans. What a guy.

Sheryl Crow - at least she won't need much TP

Willie Nelson - smoke-free. Right.

And if LOTD ever goes on tour, here are my backstage demands:

- 3 12-packs of Diet Pepsi (note that Diet Pepsi and Diet Coke are NOT the same)
- 2 bags of Fun Size Butterfinger bars
- 2 large bags of Reese's Pieces
- Box of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers (yellow only - no weird colors)
- Bananas (6 hours past green, max - no speckles!)
- A water hose hooked up to a spigot for drinking and bathing
- 1 bottle (gal.) of Banderas cologne (Brut or Aqua Velva also acceptable)
- Private bathroom (with a lockable door in case my child travels with me)


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