Monday, August 4, 2008

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: My Pubic Hair Epiphany

More talk about waxing private parts. This one is from Sonja, who didn't write this -- at least I don't think she did. Honestly -- I bet a dude wrote it.

Don't read this if you are offended by frank discussions of genitalia or sex.

My Pubic Hair Epiphany

Date: 2008-07-07, 8:41PM PDT

Vaginas are pretty.

Ok, I don’t actually think that’s true. Its not any sort of inner self loathing, I just don’t find all the wrinkly folds and the odd array of skin tones very awe inspiring. Perhaps it’s that my aesthetics meter just isn’t calibrated properly. I also fail to see splendor when I look at babies. Perhaps you just need to be more familiar with an object to truly appreciate its subtleties and grace.

All this being said I had an epiphany recently. A vagina has enough going for it that it’s worth the extra effort to stop that unruly mop from hanging in its eyes. My old view, which was, “why not let the poor thing live out its homely life in peace,” has been changed to “My muff is like Allison from The Breakfast Club”.

You might remember Allison, she was the depressed, unsightly gal with crazy hair that covered most of her face played by Ally Sheedy. But, at the end she lets Molly Ringwald’s character do her hair and you realize she’s actually quite lovely. Where is Molly Ringwald when you need her?

What would cause this type of 180 you ask, online video porn of course. I was just introduced to the wonders of YouTube-like porn sites by my husband who swears he only hears about such things from his vulgar co-workers. Being a modern sort of couple we like to use technology to our advantage whenever possible – which includes huddling around a laptop in bed watching raunchy homemade video porn vignettes.

After some sheepish discussion on what keyword searches we should try (btw, Abercombie & Fitch model seducing average looking woman in a Tahitian hotel bar before taking her out to his yacht to have hot, sweaty, above deck sex doesn’t turn up any results, so don’t bother), we hit upon “Eating Pussy Lesson”. I was thinking we would get something along the lines of “the clit is not a myth” and “yes you do actually need to put your mouth on it to be successful”, but what I got was much, much better.

I mature blond woman – still a looker but someone you genuinely felt you could take anatomical advice from – gave the lesson on a young buxom blond in a bustier. Our teacher furthered both the scientific and fetishistic quotient by wearing black rubber gloves.

I won’t get into the details except to say that I learned a great deal from this woman and by the end felt that the vagina was a brilliant piece of equipment that should receive at least as much attention as a car does; a regular wash & wax and the occasional splurge on the deluxe wheel rim package with papaya scent.

But let’s be realistic, rarely do epiphanies happen in a vacuum. There was a bit of a lead up to this. As I stated earlier I felt that my lower coif needed little attention and that this was a reasonable and widespread course of action. And of course I was right.

The average American woman does choose to let nature take its course down below. However, as my recent anecdotal and completely unscientific research clearly indicates – the average single American woman between the ages of 20 and 35, who lives in an urban area (particularly in Southern California), waxes the shit out of her va-jay jay. Yes, that dreaded South American spa treatment, and the closest most of us will ever get to a lesbian sex act… the Brazilian wax job.

I was in many ways shocked to learn that most of my friends partake. I thought there were few reasons girls like us might obtain a Brazilian. Among them might be an upcoming stint in Amateur Girls Take Hot Cock 7, or a date with Ron Jeremy. These otherwise normal women in my life were shelling out $70 a pop to let a small asian woman take them in a back room and rip out their anal hair. Yikes. One of my friends is actually lasering her beave completely bald. Double yikes.

This last conversation was had over a round of beers at a local pub and I was the only one in the group who had to scoop her chin up off the table. The rest of the ladies felt this was not only a wise aesthetic choice, but smart from an economic point of view also. Pay several hundred dollars now but never have to pay for a wax job again, let alone a razor.

Don’t be surprised if you see “laser yourself bald” as hot new tip for financially savvy females in Suze Orman’s next book.

After my informal education I was certainly more aware that bush hair removal on a massive scale was far more common than I ever thought. Regular gals are out there with landing strips or nothing at all and I suppose regular guys have come to expect it. To think my poor husband had to work around all that fluff for years.

But if you’re hoping for me to wrap this up with a Brazilian salon recommendation, you’re out of luck. I’m going to have to count myself as a moderate on this issue. I’ll go for an advanced bikini wax (a la landing strip), and I’ll even keep it nice and trim with a pair of safety scissors. But to whatever confused stray hairs made a right when they should have made a left and ended up doomed to a life next to my butt hole, I say live and let live.

Crazy Shoes Of The Day

Think your shoes are uncomfortable? That was the question posed by Ginni D. and Nikki, who both sent in these nutty shoes that are "all the rage in Japan."

I know who the last pair is for.

Music Vid Of The Day: Alone

The acoustic version, just like they did it last night. I was never a big Heart fan but dang, Ann Wilson can sing.

QOTD: Your worst concert

What's the worst concert you ever saw? And I don't mean The Teletubbies On Tour when you were four, but a real concert that you paid good money for, and it totally sucked.

I have two that are tied: Elvis Costello and/or The Doobie Brothers.

Elvis sounded fine but it was the Brutal Youth tour and I don't like that record, and he played every bit of it. He also played a lot of older songs I just don't like. Some of his music I love, some I don't.

The Doobies just sucked. I like very few of their songs anyway, and Tom Johnston kept pumping his fists at the crowd after every song like he was at a WWE event or something. It was annoying. Why did I go? To see Peter Frampton, who opened the show and was fantastic. He should have been the headliner.

Your turn. Go.

Vids Of The Day: The National Anthem Mangled

From TheMovieGuru. One of these contains brief nudity.

Michael "No-Talent Ass Clown" Bolton. I almost feel sorry for him, but damn, dude, learn the words before you take the stage.


Cuba Gooding, Sr. Show him the exit.


Lucy Lawless' wardrobe malfunction, years before Janet Jackson's


You're under arrest for assaulting our ears


Olympian Carl Lewis (audio only). Stick to track, Carl.


Roseanne. What a pig.


Now, to cleanse all that suck from your palate, an amazing version from The Cactus Cuties.



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