Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Onion Story Of The Day: American Airlines To Charge Non-Passengers

Would that they could.

American Airlines Now Charging Fees To Non-Passengers

December 1, 2008 | Issue 44•49

FORT WORTH, TX — Cash-strapped American Airlines announced a new series of fees this week that will apply to all customers not currently flying, scheduled to fly, or even thinking about flying aboard the commercial carrier.

The fees, the latest introduced by American Airlines in a continuing effort to combat its financial woes, will take effect on Monday. According to company officials, these charges will include a $25 tax on citizens traveling with any other airline, as well as a mandatory $30 surcharge for passengers who decide to just stay home for the holidays instead.

"Tough times unfortunately mean tough measures," American Airlines president Gerard Arpey said. "It's never an easy decision to ask our loyal customers, as well as thousands of people chosen at random out of a telephone book, to pay a little extra, but that's just the reality of today's economic climate. We hope all Americans will understand this when receiving one of our new bills in the mail."

(Read the rest here at

Celebs Of The Day Who Might Be Dead

From Some of these people are alive, some are dead. I'll tell you which is which at the end of the list.

We haven't heard from these entertainers in so long, we fear they may be dead. R.I.P.


Born February 4, 1923, in Alberta, Canada, Bain was best known as millionaire Philip Drummond from TV´s Diff´rent Strokes — by which we mean he was only known as millionaire Philip Drummond of TV´s Diff´rent Strokes. At 79 years of age, he may very well be dead by the time you read this. If so, Bain would be survived by his wife, Monica Sloan, three children and an identical brother, who also could be dead by now.


Born September 27, 1934, Brimley won the hearts of movie audiences everywhere with his bushy mustache and avuncular charm. After all of those Quaker Oats commercials under his belt, we thought he´d live forever. If dead, he would be survived by a wife and three sons, whose names we could not find in a Web search. Though a known victim of adult-onset diabetes, Brimley was reportedly healthy at press time, which makes his possible death that much more shocking.


Born February 18, 1922, Melvin may be dead by now. Tough yet lovable, he appeared in many TV series, including The Andy Griffith Show and All in the Family. But Melvin´s meatiest role was as Sam "the butcher" Franklin on The Brady Bunch. His wife of 59 years, Amalis, may be grieving, if she´s not also dead.


Actor Hume Cronyn may have died recently. Born on July 18, 1911 in Ontario, Cronyn starred in movies such as Cocoon and *batteries not included. He was married to actress Jessica Tandy from 1942, until her death (we think) in 1994. If My. Cronyn is dead, he will have been survived by his second wife, Susan Cooper, two children and his glass eye.


Born April 10, 1915, in Detroit, actor Harry Morgan might have died recently. If he did, he will be remembered as the lovable Colonel Sherman T. Potter on the hit TV show M*A*S*H. In lieu of flowers, Morgan´s family probably requests that you send a donation to whatever foundation is trying to cure the disease that caused his possible death.


Born June 27, 1927, in Long Island, New York, the beloved Robert Keeshan may have died recently. Forever known as the immortal (figuratively) Captain Kangaroo, Keeshan started his career as Clarabell the Clown on The Howdy Doody Show. If Keeshan is dead, the former Marine and member of the Clown Hall of Fame will be sorely missed by children and adults alike.


Born on February 15, 1927, in Chicago, Harvey Korman could very well be dead by the time you read this. Over the years, the sketch comedian won four Emmys as the second banana on The Carol Burnett Show, but he was never able to make a name for himself on his own. Now Korman is finally out of Burnett´s shadow, provided that she did not also just die.


TV´s Mrs. Garrett may have died recently. Born April 22, 1926, in Milwaukee, Charlotte Rae traded the cheese of Wisconsin for a career on the stage and TV screen. Though she earned two Tony nominations, she is best known for her work on The Facts of Life and in the video Al Lewis: Forever Grandpa. "She was like a real mother to me," Kim "Tootie" Fields may have told the L.A. Times after hearing the possible news.


It wouldn´t surprise us if Daryl Dragon, aka the Captain, died recently. Born August 27, 1942, in Los Angeles, the Captain and his wife, Tennille, took the world by storm in the late ´70s. Though he will be remembered for romantic songs such as "Love Will Keep Us Together," the Captain was also an accomplished musician who once played keyboards for the Beach Boys. If the Captain is dead, it seems likely that he will have requested burial at sea.


There´s an outside chance that legendary musician Steve Miller is dead. Born in Milwaukee, Wisconsin on October 5, 1943 Miller has seemingly been making hits since he touched his first guitar at age 4. With his track record, we´re honestly surprised he made it as long as he did — he managed to record and tour in support of eight albums in a little over five years, and in 1972 he broke his neck in a car accident but refused to stop touring until he later came down with hepatitis. Talk about asking for it. With classics like "Fly Like an Eagle" and "The Joker" on his greatest hits album, they´re sure to make a couple million bucks in posthumous record sales.

DEAD: Melvin, Cronyn, Keeshan, Korman

ALIVE: Bain, Brimley, Morgan, Rae, The Captain, Miller


Link Of The Day: Ravenous Romance

If you need a little spice in your life -- and who doesn't? -- then check out a new site from my friends (and LOTD readers) at Ravenous Romance, then get your naughty on. Click logo to link.

Accidentally Honest TV Guide Listing Of The Day

I saw this movie, and yes, that's exactly what it was: Doo.

From MM.

Nature Video Of The Day: Antelope

You might have seen this before. I hadn't. My dad sent it to me instead of his usual Republican drivel. I guess signing him up for and the ACLU did the trick.


Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Free Hot Tub

I know what you're thinking. Is it that tub?

From Rhonda in TN.

best of craigslist > alaska > Free Hot Tub

Free Hot Tub

Date: 2008-10-15, 8:57AM AKDT

Do you need a year round way to water your lawn, deck, yard, garage?

Have you ever wondered what a 425 gallon colander looks like?

Ever really wanted a motorized dog bath?

Today is your lucky day. I have a free hot tub. Yes it is complete and it is drained. I drained part of it and it drained itself the rest of the way.

Where does it leak??? Find that and you have found the leprechaun with the pot of gold.

This unit is perfect for the individual who knows no limit to frustration. The type of person who likes a challenge even when there is no chance of winning. This will build the kind of character in you the armed forces dream of. You will find yourself exhibiting behavior that you never thought possible, but ITS FREE!!!!

You will need strong backs to load and a trailer. I will be able to offer short bouts of sympathy and witty banter while you prepare to begin your journey.

If this interests you, and it should because ITS FREE, you will need to call and schedule to come by and pick it up. Please remember, I am not a business as it is hard to make a living giving things away. Please call and let me know when you will be there as I have other things to do. I will not guarantee anything except you have your work cut out for you. I will not deliver it, save it, paint it, or take photos of it for you until it is on your trailer....again...ITS FREE. Please call me if you want it. [DELETED]

Coleman 411 – 5 Person tub
Has Cover
Pumps, heater, etc did work
Air injector pump has been disconnected
The rest is a foam filled crap shoot

  • Location: South Anchorage
PostingID: 880259510

Commercial Of The Day (video): Thornton's

Yep, that's what writer's block feels like all right.


Great Wedding Moments Of The Day

Reposting this one because I have a Volume Two coming later this week. Click any pic for a larger view

The black eye is also a nice touch.

Glunk glunk glunk glunk glunk

Their children will be beautiful

Bridesmaids? Or cheerleaders?

The White Stripes get married. In Sherwood Forest.

Representin'! (...The Lollipop Guild)

On this joyous occasion... Christ, look at the woman in blue. She's gonna set the church on fire with her eyes.

I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Nerd

Fishbowls = class

Hey Yanni, what time does Prince want his boots back?

The kids look so happy. Is that Willy Wonka in the glasses?

Nice hat, Sundance. The hole adds character.

WTF? Pier 1 was having a sale on straw hats?

What has two thumbs and loves Dungeons & Dragons?

Uncle Roy wore his very best tie (click the pic!)


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