Saturday, February 28, 2009

Weekend Links Of The Day

Another batch of fun from LOTD readers.

PETA, upset that the maker of Cooking Mama games won't do a vegetarian version, has come out with their own game. Don't miss the part where you get the saw the neck of a turkey. From Brynholio.

Extreme advertising from Brokey McPoverty

Lexical Gaps - from Felipe Beach

When the sound of Hell was finally captured on tape, I thought for sure we'd hear Foghat or Air Supply playing in the background.

Part cool, part creepy: celebrity dolls from The Courteous Chihuahua.

PostRejects: postcards that didn't make the cut at PostSecret. From Greg in Saskatoon.

More reasons for pets to kill their owners in their sleep, from Nicolle and Seth C.

A banana peel can get rid of warts? Ask TonyRo, who sent this link.


Friday, February 27, 2009

Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day #2

How's about one more shot of Cheap Trick to close out the day?

Happy weekend, everyone. I'm posting links over the weekend so be sure to drop back in if you can. Thanks.



Top Fictional "Seinfeld" Movies Of The Day

From Michael K. and Kotite's Corner, a list of fictional movies mentioned in "Seinfeld."


1. Rochelle Rochelle

The tagline pretty much says it all - “A young girl’s strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk.” How can you honestly go wrong with a movie like that. If this were made into a real movie, it may be one of the greatest of all-time. This movie is mentioned multiple times in multiple episodes. George rents the movie in the episode “The Smelly Car” and hides from Susan the fact that he rented it. The video ends up costing George $95 when it is stolen from Jerry’s car because the window was left open to air out the BO. This movie was so popular, it was made into a Broadway musical, starring Bette Midler. Elaine sums up the movie, and men in general best, when she states, “Men will sit through the most boring pointless movie if there’s the slightest chance a woman will take her top off.” Any man who says they have not done that before is a liar.

2. Chunnel

Another movie which is mentioned in a few episodes. The name of the movie comes from the plot, which involves an explosion in the Channel Tunnel. The plot also involves the President’s daughter being trapped in the Chunnel between England and France. Jerry is unable to follow the plot, and discusses with Elaine in the movie theater, which causes Susan to get angry and break off her friendship with Elaine. The tagline for the movie reads “Chunnel: 32 Miles of Hell.”

3. Sack Lunch

Sack Lunch first appeared in the episode “The English Patient.” This movie was released the same day as the English Patient, and Elaine’s desire to see Sack Lunch is ignored by her boyfriend, who insists on seeing The English Patient. Elaine eventually sees the movie by herself, and later, while travelling to Tunisia, Elaine is happy to hear that the in-flight movie is
Sack Lunch. Elaine wants to see the movie to see if the people on the poster for the movie were shrunk down, or if it is just a giant sack. The film is a reference to comedies which have large commercial appeal, however bad critical responses, as opposed to movies such as The English Patient, which earn large critical acclaim and Oscar nominations, but have little popular influence.

4. Death Blow

This is a film that appeared in the episode “The Little Kicks.” After Jerry finds out that Kramer’s friend Brody is bootlegging the movie, he talks to Kramer outside the theater. When they hear a loud explosion, Kramer yells “Ah man, we’re missin’ the death blow!” They both run back into the theater. Jerry bootlegs the movie, and becomes a bootlegging legend. The tagline for Death Blow, delivered by Kramer is, “Death Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but for different reasons altogether.”

5. Cry Cry Again
Also seen in the episode “The Little Kicks,” this movie is described as an “arty movie.” Kramer bootlegs it after Jerry refuses to do so, and is seen laughing hysterically in the theater while watching it. Elaine tapes over the movie with her dancing, and when Jerry and Kramer are forced to give the bootleg copy to Brody, they say that when observing the film, “You cry, then you see the dancer, and you cry again.”

6. CheckMate

Appears in the episode “The Movie” and is about chess and intrigue. Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer all try to meet up to see the movie together, but due to a series of problems, 3 out of 4 of them end up watching Rochelle Rochelle independently. While in the movie theater, you heard the following Oscar-worthy dialogue come out of CheckMate:

Larry David: I didn’t know you enjoyed chess, your majesty.
King: Why wouldn’t I?
Larry David: Because the king is always in jeopardy.
King: Yes, but it’s only a game.
Larry David: (suspiciously) Yes, of course…. only a game.

That’s gold.

7. Prognosis Negative

This film is mentioned in many Seinfeld episodes. In the episode “The Dog,” George and Jerry go to the movie originally, and Jerry hates it, but does not tell Elaine he went and saw it. Jerry is then forced to go see the movie at a later point with Elaine. Prognosis Negative is supposedly about a man who receives a negative result on a medical test, which he mistakenly believes to be a bad thing.

8. Firestorm

This movie is mentioned in a few episodes, and is a blockbuster action film, starring Harrison Ford. Jerry mentioned at one point Harrison Ford “jumped out of the plane and was shooting back up at them while he was falling.” An “underwater escape” is also mentioned as having taken part in the movie. Because George just got engaged, Susan does not want to see the movie, and George is forced to go see The Muted Heart instead. After the movie, George sees Jerry discussing how great the film was with another person, as Firestorm was let out at the same time. In the episode “The Rye,”
Firestorm starts an argument between Mr. Ross, and Frank Costanza, and Mr. Ross begins talking about it at a dinner party, and Frank Costanza yells that he hasn’t seen it yet, and likes to go into a movie fresh.

(Wasn't there a real Firestorm starring Howie Long?)

9. Flaming Globes of Sigmund

The movie appears in the episode “The Heart Attack,” when Jerry wakes up from a dream about a sci-fi film, and scribbles on a piece of paper “Like flaming globes of Sigmund.” He thought it was funny at the time, but spends the rest of the episode trying to figure out exactly what it means. Jerry turns on the TV and finds Flaming Globes of Sigmund on, with the dialogue, “It’s just as you prophesied. The planets of out solar system, incinerating. Like flaming globes, Sigmund. Like flaming globes. Ah ha ha ha..” (Voice of Larry David).

10. The Other Side of Darkness

This movie appears in the episode “The Comeback” and is a direct-to-video release about a female coma victim and her husband. The film is very long and ends with the coma victim regaining consciousness. Kramer rents the movie and the movie impacts him greatly. He visits a lawyer to deal with the possibility of being in a coma. He then sees the end of the movie, at which point he revokes his living will. He goes to the lawyer, however, the lawyer is at his tennis lesson. When Kramer goes to the tennis club, a ball machine is mistakenly turned and ends up firing at Kramer’s head at top speed, putting Kramer in the hospital. While Elaine is visiting, she looks for an outlet for the VCR, and pulls a giant plug. Kramer wakes up and thinks that his plus has been pulled.

Classic Comedy Clip Of The Day: The Idiot

I'm not sure if I've ever seen this. So damn funny...


Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day

This is one of my child's favorite songs right now; she likes the "Mommy's all right, Daddy's all right" bit. Not gonna tell her what the song is really about.

Great tune -- one of my favorites.



24 TV Characters You Can't Stand

"You" being the readers of Entertainment Weekly and me, because I agree with most of their choices. My comments in italics, and I've added a few hated characters of my own at the end.


"Izzie from Grey's Anatomy. Man, she used to be my favorite, but now all I want to do is shove her off the neat walkway that runs through Seattle Grace. You know, the one with the pretty panoramic view of Seattle." —Jeff


"Mohinder Suresh, from Heroes. Not sure if it's the character, the actor, the over-enunciated accent, but every time he appears on screen I just think, 'Shut up, Mohinder.' —Kathleen


"Cuddy, from House. I really liked her in season 1, but somewhere around the third season I started yelling at her to stop acting/dressing like a prostitute and letting House get away with everything." —Liddy
(She doesn't bug me nearly as much as House himself. - C)


"I hated Brian Hackett (Steven Weber's character), on Wings. Actually, I've had a lifelong irrational dislike of all of Steven Weber's characters. Conveniently enough, he seems to play the same guy in everything he's in, which makes it easier to irrationally dislike his work." —Sato


"Meredith, from Grey's Anatomy. I can't even watch anymore. I remember when they had that episode where I thought she might die, I was so excited, only to be let down!" —Amanda
(Everyone on that show needs to die. - C.)


"Ross, on Friends, is by far the TV character I have hated the most. Whiny, pathetic, almost never funny — and yet somehow still unsympathetic." —Danny
(I hate them all except Lisa Kudrow, but yes, Ross is the worst. -C)


"Lee Adama, on Battlestar Galactica. The only reason I don't want Lee to die is that Laura would have to put up with Bill crying about it. All Lee cares about is appearing to be on the moral high ground. He has no integrity as a person. No wonder his father doesn't respect him." —Lauren


"I gotta say I thought she'd grow out of it, but I can't stand Julie Taylor on Friday Night Lights. She's the only one on the cast who appears to be acting. Then again, I'd give up my hate if the show were on network TV again...." — katy


"Miss Piggy. I can't stand Miss Piggy." —Drew
(WTH? Drew's a fuckin' Commie. How can you not like Miss Piggy?- C)


"Horatio Caine on CSI: Miami. The way he stands with his hands on his hips, with those stupid sunglasses and those stupid one-liners that open the show....I muted the TV every time he spoke in the season premiere. Ugh! I haven't watched the show since." —kristie
(Get in line, Kristie. He might be the most hated character on TV. - C.)


"I hate House. If any doctor ever spoke to me or a member of my family that way, I'd punch him in the nose. He's an obnoxious creep who needs a comeuppance, and soon. Did I mention I hate him?" —Brian
(Yes, thank you. I don't watch this show. There are enough asshole doctors in the real world without watching one on TV. - C)


"Jordan from Scrubs. I hate when Dr. Cox went back with her. She is evil, manipulating, and not funny at all. All around ruins the show for me. Plus, her face changes over the years. It's kind of freaky." —Amy

For the rest, read the full article on EW.com.

My additions:


Sabrina Duncan on Charlie's Angels. Yeah, I know, she was the brains of the operation, but... gross. Not attractive. Not sexy. Too smug. Too many turtlenecks. I hate turtlenecks.


Dour 1 and Dour 2 on that SUV show. He looks like a hydrocephalic serial killer, and she always looks like she has a huge dump on deck and can't find a toilet.
I know, I know, there's nothing funny about sex crimes, but damn, have a beer after work and lighten the F up. She's hot, though, I'll give her that.


Gil Grissom on CSI. I used to watch Quincy, and Gil Grissom is no Quincy.


Chloe on 24. This snarky, put-upon bitch wouldn't last two days in a real office; someone would take a chainsaw to her. When her buddy Edgar died right in front of her a couple of seasons ago, her reaction was priceless. I need to find that clip.


Allison Dubois and Lee Scanlon on Medium. I didn't know Mush-Mouth had a sister, especially one who works for the distriCK attorney (y'know, it kinda helps to be able to pronounce the name of the place you work; she's like the realtor who calls him/herself a "real-a-tor"). Scanlon's mumbly too, but I suppose when you're the ONLY FUCKING COP (apparently) in a city the size of Phoenix, you don't have much time for chit-chat.


Like A Delta Flight...

.... today's updates will be delayed. Please come back after 12. I should be sobered up by then.

Thank ye

Thursday, February 26, 2009

History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives

(Just a tease for this longer article on Cracked.com. Many thanks to Steph and Mike V for the link.)

History's 10 Most Terrifying Contraceptives

The three most terrifying things in the world are werewolves, clowns and unplanned pregnancy. Humanity has known this since time began and has endeavored to make sure the last one of these would happen as infrequently as possible.

10) Weasel Testicles

In the Dark Ages in Europe, things were dark for a reason, not the least of which was that, with the lights on, a typical man might wonder why his girlfriend had weasel balls strapped to her leg...


9) Crocodile Dung Diaphragms

Ancient Egyptians were a crafty lot, and some of the first people to cook up a method of birth control that actually worked. They figured out that you could stop the pregnancy if you had some kind of, uh, blockage there...

8) Beaver Testicles With Alcohol

In the 16th century, Canadians agreed that the testicles of small furry animals were key to pregnancy prevention. They were far more advanced than those silly, superstitious Europeans, so they got the brilliant idea to use moonshine with beaver testicles in it...


7) Mercury

...there may have been some sterility, brain damage and kidney failure, of course, but stopping the baby was the main thing. This was ancient China, after all.

6) Gold/Silver Diaphragms

While these substances were no doubt awesome to anyone going spelunking in a woman's vagina, they sometimes lead to things like Toxic Shock Syndrome, discharge and infections, and, yes, pregnancy. But, hey, if things play out just right, your penis could come out wearing a shiny little top hat! And wouldn't that make it all worth it?

5) Animal Intestines

One of the oldest known condoms is made from a pig intestine and even has a user manual that suggests soaking it in warm milk before use, probably because just humping with a pig intestine was only half gross, but if you could somehow include sour milk in the mix well, that'd put it right over the top.

4) Opium diaphragms

The people of ancient Sumatra would take a sticky wad of opium and, you know -- wedge it in there. Now, we hesitate to even include this because we have a feeling right now there is some dude at his computer, gel in his hair and three buttons open on his shirt, reading this and suddenly having an awesome idea for Saturday night.


3) Lemons

...and the scent would be just like a freshly cleaned bathroom each and every time! As a bonus, the various shapes and sizes of citrus meant it was great for every woman, though it probably made for some awkward moments with the fruit seller.

2) Blacksmith Water

The idea that the water contained lead is a strong possibility, as even up through the first World War, women were volunteering to work in factories with lead just so it would keep them sterile. The only real downside was a pantload of neurological problems, nausea, kidney failure, seizures, coma and death. Hell, they'd probably have been better off sticking with the mercury.


1) Coca-Cola Douche

The belief was that carbonation and sugar would be effective at stopping pregnancy, and also turning a vagina into a syrupy, caffeinated horror show of fizz and sticky spots. We like to think Dr. Pepper or Mr. Pibb were the carbonated no-baby douches of choice, but study by Harvard in the late '60s gave the honor to Diet Coke.


QOTD: The Best Thing

What's the best thing you've ever done for another person?

Let's exclude having/raising kids -- that's a given for all parents (unless you suck).

Go ahead: toot your horn. I'm axking for it.


Bad Dub Job Of The Day: Stranger In The Alps

Awesome. You only need to watch the first 24 seconds.



I once worked at a network that ran Die Hard from time to time. As you might imagine, the dub job on that was hilarious, but the best one by far was this gem:

"Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon!"


Classic Comedy Clip Of The Day: It's Not That I'm Lazy...

I never get tired of Office Space. Ever. Top 10 material right here, folks.


Link Of The Day: Why You Should Always Log Out

Click pic for article. From Ashley V. and CollegeHumor.com.


Classic TV Show Open Of The Day

I never watched this shit. Shame, because it looks super funny.


Top 10 Celebrity Douchebags Of The Day

From Crave Online. Here are five; visit their site for the other five. Their list, their copy.

#6 – TYRA BANKS



I liked Tyra Banks better back when she wasn’t saying shit. Now all of the sudden she’s the new Oprah. Personally, I am of the opinion that one Oprah was already one too many. Tyra Banks has two shows on TV in which she dispenses bad advice to desperate girls and woman despite being crazier than a shithouse rat. And what’s with that fivehead she’s sporting? She looks like a black conehead. Please, for the love of god, would someone ship her back home to Remulak?

#9 – MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY



It’s time you put a shirt on, jackass. Not everyone has time to work out 37 times a day. I’m sick to death of this guy making me look bad at the beach, and then compounding my dislike of him by putting out at least two horribly unwatchable romantic formula comedies every goddamn year. And lose the hick drawl for chrissakes, you’ve been living in L.A. for like 100 years already. No one’s buying it.

#3 – BEN STILLER



I am at the absolute limit of my tolerance for Ben Stiller. I would rather eat a sackful of empty beer bottles than watch another one of his movies. I would rather clean the floor of a bus station men's room with my tongue. I would rather spend an entire workweek with a handful of razor blades down my pants than ever see even so much as a rudimentary drawing of his mugging, monkey face, ever again. That’s how much I hate Ben Stiller.

#10 – SARAH SILVERMAN



Sarah Silverman is one of those comedians that everybody claims to like because she is so “edgy” and her material is so “controversial”. In reality, Sarah Silverman is neither, unless Paris Hilton and Britney Spears jokes are what you consider edgy. When Sarah performed at the VMAs last year, it was perhaps the most awkwardly silent crowd ever seen at an award show. And it wasn’t because they were shocked or offended, but simply because it just wasn’t funny. Silverman couldn’t even last a single season on “Saturday Night Live”, which is probably the least funny show on television.

#5 – ANYBODY THAT HAS EVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH AMERICAN IDOL



That includes people who watch it and talk about it all the damn time. American Idol is basically a bad karaoke show that conjures up the spirit of “Star Search”, minus any possibility of being entertained. This is a show that has forced upon us Ryan Seacrest, Clay Aiken, Simon Cowell, William Hung, Sanjaya and the reanimated corpse of Paula Abdul. It is singlehandedly responsible for making our entire nation stupider, and may even be responsible for the collapse of the music industry as a whole. So, the next time you wanna talk about American Idol, do us all a favor, please, and shut yer cakehole.


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

TV Clip Of The Day: Corn (NSFW)

Careful, Rachel -- that corn might pop.

From Eli.


Classic 70s Music Video Of The Day

Talking about the Simpsons made me think of this one. In the episode (years ago) when Maggie goes missing, Homer calls a lost child hotline. They put him on hold, and this is the hold music. Brilliant.

Gotta love any song with an electric sitar part, too.




This is one of those songs that turns up every night on the lite rock/love songs radio request show hosted by the female DJ with the soft, sultry voice. There's always some poor schmo who cheated on his girlfriend and she left him, and now he's begging her to give him another chance... via a 30-year-old Yacht Rock snoozer.

If Celebs Weren't Celebs, Vol. 3

More Photoshop fun from PlanetHiltron.com, a site that imagines celebrities as "normal people" -- which means making them fat and/or old and giving them bad hair.

The pic of Amy and Blake doesn't look altered at all. My favorite is Madonna.

Demi & Ashton


Cate


Leo


Miley


Paris


Madonna (!)


Daniel


Clay


Brangelina


Amy & Blake


Mariah


Ann C.


Kendra



See Vol. 1 here and Vol. 2 here.

America's Top 20 Party Schools

From the Princeton Review, reported in the Orlando Sentinel (who told Princeton to suck it because Princeton makes you buy their entire college ranking report for this info.)

Randolph-Macon College? WTF is that?

---------

Following is a list of the top party schools in the nation, according to Princeton Review's survey of 120,000 students.

1. University of Florida, Gainesville, Fla.

2. University of Mississippi, University, Miss.

3. Penn State University, University Park, Pa.

4. West Virginia University, Morgantown, W.Va.

5. Ohio University, Athens, Ohio.

6. Randolph-Macon College, Ashland, Va.

7. University of Georgia, Athens, Ga.

8. University of Texas, Austin, Texas.

9. University of California- Santa Barbara, Santa Barbara, Calif.

10. Florida State University, Tallahassee, Fla.

11. University of New Hampshire, Durham, N.H.

12. University of Iowa, Iowa City, Iowa.

13. University of Colorado, Boulder, Co.

14. Indiana University, Bloomington, Ind.

15. Tulane University, New Orleans, La.

16. University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, Urbana, Ill.

17. Arizona State University, Tempe, Ariz.

18. University of Tennessee, Knoxville, Tenn.

19. University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa, Ala.

20. Loyola University-New Orleans, New Orleans, La.


Bond's Best Sex Puns Of The Day

From Maxim.com.

Die Another Day (2002)



Goldfinger (1964)



Live And Let Die (1973)



The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)



A View To A Kill (1985)



Live And Let Die (1973)



The World Is Not Enough (1999)



Never Say Never Again (1983)



From Russia With Love (1963)



They forgot a good one: Moonraker (1979)



Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Homer Simpson's Words Of Wisdom Of The Day

From Sheila and Funny2.com.


When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle - they're on TV!

Bingo! I love that game, but I can't remember what to say when you win.

Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Save me, Jeebus!

Facts are meaningless - you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!

Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food.

I don't hate your mother, I just won't be sad when she dies.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain - remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene'.

Donuts...is there anything they can't do?

Trying is the first step toward failure.

Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!

You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.

Marge, you being a cop makes you the man - which makes me the woman; and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which (as we discussed) is strictly a comfort thing.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

Without our immigrants, who will kick our field goals, or train our white tigers?

Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!

Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'

Those guys were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Extended warranty? How can I lose?

Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.

I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.

With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love!

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power - like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

We'll die together, like a father and son should.

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.

Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!

Oh, they have Internet on computers now.

Books are useless: I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" - and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin, but what good does THAT do me?

Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.

Music Video Of The Day: Without You

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mark Gormley. Every time he sings, Orcas beach themselves trying to find the source of the brain-rattling sound.

Don't blame me; Frank sent this.



Tempting Offer Of The Day

Just got this in my e-mail. Call me crazy, but I get the impression that English might not be Miss Jessica's native tongue. Just a hunch.


Hi Dear,

how are you today I hope that everything is ok with you as it is my great pleasure to contact you in having communication with you starting from today, please i wish you will have the desire with me so that we can get to know each other better and see what happens in future.

I will be very happy if you can write me through my email for easy communication so that we can know each other, I will give you my pictures and details about me upon hearing from you. waiting for your response as i wish you all the best.

you can add me on yahoo messanger on this email (deleted) so that we can chart to know more about our self and see each other on cam.

your new friend

Miss Jessica Thomson

Miss Jessica sent no photo, but I'm guessing she looks a lot like this.


Determined Child Of The Day (video)

They should've left her in there and put in some tokens for a few rounds of "dodge the giant claw."

Great parents, though, huh? Good thing she has a sister or they might've left without her.
Idiots.

From Julie M.


Disturbing Sex Ed Video Of The Day

Nice try, Magoo, but you don't strike me as an expert in reproduction, if you know what I mean.

"It grows and it grows until it's big enough and strong enough..." to kill you for making this video.

From Wendy in RI.



Velvet Paintings Of The Day

The old saying is true: you learn something new every day... especially when you troll the Weird Wide Web like I do, looking for comedy gems about boobs, poop and hilarious near-fatal injuries.

Case in point: did you know that the world is full of some truly amazing velvet art? I'm talking one of a kind, collectible pieces. Yes, we all know about velvet Elvis paintings, but that's just the tip of the iceberg, my friends. Velvet is a great medium for almost any subject... like these...


Gotta start with the original: Elvis. At least that's who I think this is. It could be kd lang or a young Wayne Newton.


Elvis? Not quite. El Vez, Mexico's answer to The King, or, as some call him, The Knave.


Here's Jesus with Gene Simmons dressed as Elvis. Notice which one has the angelic glow.


Speaking of Jesus, here He is watching over a big rig. Or maybe it's just a big rig carrying a giant Jesus statue to Heritage USA. Or maybe it's not Jesus at all, but an Allman brother, showing us the model truck he just finished building.


Not Jesus, but close: Willie Nelson. With Elvis' shades.


Zell Miller looks insane... just like in real life.


Kenny on velvet. A no-brainer. The man was made for velvet.


Celebrate our Native American heritage with a disembodied polar bear head with footless claws in place of a lower jaw, as worn by Garry Shandling.


Here's one for your entryway: Monica with fertilized dress. A real conversation starter.


This was falsely billed as a Neil Diamond collage. I see two Neils, but I don't know who the fuck that is on the bottom left.


Lynndie on velvet. Or is it Boomhauer from "King Of The Hill" wearing a wig?


Another Kenny, this time in profile and denim. If you think his eye looks too high, you're thinking about old Kenny, not new Kenny.


Phil Spector - why? Honestly, I think someone just wanted to paint his hair.


I was going to apologize that this painting of Lionel Richie is blurred, but that's actually a good thing.


Marilyn MAN-roe... tranny version.


Ah, yes, the cigar-smoking, poker-dealing chimp. A classic.


Another Kenny, or Michael McDonald. Take your pick.


That poor tiger. He ran into the glass and smashed his face.


Hank, Jr. Whoever commissioned this probably asked for "Hank with a necklace." Instead, they got Hank, neckless.


One for the kid's room. This ought to help them get to sleep at night.


Whoa. It's the love child of Kenny Rogers and Dom DeLuise.


Twenty years ago, Don Johnson woulda kicked somebody's ass for this


It's a trap!


Finally, the pièce de résistance: Charles Nelson Reilly. I would kill to own this painting.

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