Friday, July 31, 2009
Whatever new-fangled video games and hover boards are hitting toy store shelves this Christmas, there are some classics that just never go away. Why? We're not sure, because most of them suck.
WHAT IT IS:
A floppy spring-shaped thing that's supposed to walk down stairs and was designed by Richard James in 1943. The design phase: Dick drawing a curly squiggle on the back of a napkin while on the telephone.
WHY IT SUCKS:
Two generations of parents rushed out to buy their offspring a Slinky for Christmas, instead of a Total Death Chaos Raygun 3000 or other toys that promised instant awesomeness. Those children promptly ran up to the top of the stairs, pushed the Slinky off the top step and watched it flop down to the next where it would stay until they nudged it again. Then, it would roll sideways off the step and lay sadly against the wall. Then the kids go outside and do something more fun, like poke some dog shit with a stick.
9. SPACE HOPPER/HIPPITY-HOP
WHAT IT IS:
An inflated rubber ball with a handle thing. Originally called the Space Hopper, it also has been marketed as a "Hoppity Hop," "Hop-A-Roo" and any number of equally retarded names. The idea is that a person sits on the ball, grasps the handle and propels himself along using the power of bounce. Ha.
WHY IT SUCKS:
A Space Hopper is an awesome idea in premise, and the kids in the commercials always look like they're having a blast. In reality, the bouncing properties of a Space Hopper equate to those of a dropped egg, causing you to overwork the device until you face-plant into a sidewalk, then run screaming and bleeding to your mommy.
8. BALL IN A CUP
WHAT IT IS:
Sometimes called a "balero" depending on what part of the world you're in, it's a wooden cup on a handle, attached to a ball on a string. The idea is to toss the ball into the air and catch it in the cup. And then you...well, nothing. That's it.
WHY IT SUCKS:
Catching things is not that hard, and catching a ball in a cup doesn't make the task any trickier, especially when the ball is attached to the cup by string. The re-playability factor is also sadly lacking: Once you catch the ball in the cup, that's it. Thus, when a child is presented with this toy from well-meaning parents, they duly toss the ball into the cup three or four times, then put it down and go back to drawing on a younger sibling's face with permanent markers.
7. HULA HOOP
WHAT IT IS:
A hoop, usually made out of plastic, that can be twirled around the hips, waist or neck. It was 'invented' in 1958 by Richard Knerr and Arthur "Spud" Melin, founders of the Wham-O toy company.
WHY IT SUCKS:
"Playing" Hula Hoop involves holding the hoop around you at waist level, then trying to spin it at a rate approaching 1,000 rpm. Then you stand with your feet planted on the spot, spasmodically twitch your waist and hips as the hula Hoop drops to the floor. You sigh, pick the thing up again, and restart. But this time, you manage to keep it off the ground, at which point the Hula Hoop ricochets up your body and smacks you in the face.
(List continues at Cracked.com)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
From Afro Amber.
ROYAL FATTIE (Temple of Doom)
You know how your buddy is quick to down four fistfuls of atomic hot wings just to prove how tough he is? This pudgy bastard labors under the delusion that nothing turns visiting showgirls on more than proving your live-eel-downing ability. Hours later, this guy's toilet resembled the neglected fish tanks in the back of your local PETCO.
JANITOR OF SECRETS (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
We all know that the government has lots of cool stuff locked away from the public's eyes, but we didn't realize that all that was standing between us and the secrets of the universe was Morty in Office Services.
PRIVATE EAGER (Last Crusade)
Once Indy and the gang catch up to the Nazis in the Grail temple, they watch as a terrified grunt steps gingerly into the gaping maw of a booby-trap-riddled cave. Why is this guy hyperventilating? Because he's the second dude they picked to go in. The first guy is right there on the floor. Next to his own head.
THE RAVEN'S BOUNCER (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
When your boss spends every night drinking yak herders under the table, it's up to you to make sure the bar is wiped down, the glasses are washed, and the locals are shoved out the door into the snowbank. Too bad this guy's sole source of income and self-respect gets burned down by his lush boss' idiot boyfriend.
MRS. SALLAH (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
The life of an Egyptian ditch digger's a rough one, but the life of an Egyptian ditch digger's wife ain't no picnic, either. Caring for a family of 200 is a full-time gig, and the strain really shows. Case in point: Mrs. Sallah is only 26 years old.
EXTEND-A-NECK (Temple of Doom)
We have no idea what Mola Ram was doing with all those little kids, but we suspect that using rocks to dig for rocks wasn't the only activity going on. Apparently, they were experimenting with neck-lengthening techniques in the hopes of breeding children who could see into high crevices while also looking like Shelley Duvall.
THE ASS-KISSER (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Imagine you beat out 1,000 repressed and horny coeds looking to complete their MRS degrees and got to be one of the lone males in Dr. Jones' archeology class. Now imagine you're on the verge of failing, thanks to your ill-advised midterm paper "Why I Admire Hitler's Artifact Collection." What else can you do but pucker up and kiss a little ass?
FLUSTERED FRAU (Last Crusade)
Germans are notoriously unflappable, so it takes something big to faze them. Like, say, impeding their progress on the Russian front or, more directly, chucking a guy out of a zeppelin window. After seeing that, she couldn't whip out her ticket fast enough.
DAN AYKROYD (Temple of Doom)
Who better to facilitate Indy's escape from Shanghai than a man who once drove 106 miles to Chicago with a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes? This uncredited cameo led many to believe that Steven Spielberg was planting the seeds for a spin-off movie. And by "many," we mean Dan Aykroyd.
HOOD ORNAMENT (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Wouldn't you look shocked too if one minute you're busy building a wicker bathhouse and the next you're on the hood of a Nazi truck driven by two dudes punching each other?
MR. TEEFIES (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
One of the more tragic backstories in the Indiana Jones mythos, this chap was two paychecks away from paying for his porcelain fronts when his boss sent him to pick up some dry cleaning and kill some tourists. Then BAM! Some crazy broad knocks out his Chiclets with a frying pan.
HORNY SCHOOLGIRL (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
In the 1930s, text messaging your college professor for sex was still in its infancy. So intrepid sorority babes had to get creative. Luckily for the flushed Indy, the school bell rings, saving him from potentially blurting out something like, "Legend told of a golden coffin buried between her legs — I mean…um…in the temple…err…"
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
On August 4th, Asylum.com is sponsoring a very special holiday: "A Day Without Megan Fox".
Clearly we can't be ANTI Megan Fox. We're a comedy sex site, and currently the internet is 99% comprised of images of her boobs.
But we are a fan of variety, so here are 10 action hotties who can replace Megan Fox -- at least for one day.
10) ALYSON HANNIGAN
She's more popular than ever, but we'll always remember her as the bi-curious Buffy witch who found some new octaves with her woodwind at band camp.
9) NATALIE PORTMAN
She's seduced Darth Vader, the ultimate man/machine, AND has indie film credibility. No offense, Megan, but your turn as the dumb celebutant in How to Lose Friends and Alienate People doesn't count.
8) FAMKE JANSSEN
The infamous Bond Girl who snapped spines with her thighs, she went on to become the ultimate comic book babe Jean Grey in the X-Men movies. And she's 45! Megan might not end up being as disposable as many of today's young actresses are, but so far she's known more for running from explosions than causing them with her mind.
7) CLAUDIA BLACK
Here we've got another sci-fi hottie (of Farscape and Pitch Black fame) who isn't afraid to pack some heat. AND she has an New Zealand/Australian accent. Sorry Megan, you might be younger than this one two, but we haven't seen you hold a gun this big yet if you catch our drift.
Well, Anna clearly lost one battle- her Land of the Lost was annihilated at the box office by Transformers 2. But she's got an accent on her side as well, this one British, and she played the hottest (and perhaps only hot) zombie of all time in Pushing Daisies. And when she has a sexy movie scene, she's... how shall we put this... a little more revealing than Megan. She may have lost a battle, but she's winning the war.(See the top five at WhipItOutComedy.com)
More goodies from Comedy.com
OJ Simpson's Cellmate Hates Him
5 Best "Lost" Clips From Comic-Con
Funny 911 Call - I've Got Headaches In My Legs
Guitar Hero 5 Goes Viral With Four Naked Girls And A Fat Dude
From Kelli T.
Run, Forrest, run!
"Yes, sir, that is correct," said Occifer Dan. "Cows."
Wrangler resorts to desperate measures to get people to wear their jeans.
No, what's cruel is covering up your goodies at a naked protest
Some guys are just asking for it.
I see a hole-in-one in his future. From a cop's boot.
Nice socks, dad.
Funny how the cops aren't in a hurry to cover her up.
Just off screen there's a cop coming fast with his nightstick. "I'm king of the wor--WHAM!"
Squeal like a pig, boy.
OUCH! Mind the tit, jackass!
Another low-speed L.A. freeway pursuit
I'd heard that the Ithaca City Court is full of boobs
"Can I just get my shoes? They're right over there."
None of the cops wanted to tangle with Gwendolyn, and who could blame them?
How the Unabomber was caught.
Corky needs a haircut
Via ThePoliceDaily.com, Flickr.com and other sources
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The World's Smallest Puppy
10 Guys Kim Kardashian Should Date Now
We're So Sold On Red Band Trailer For Dealership Comedy "The Goods: Live Hard Sell Hard"
My Buddy With G-Unit
Support Our Stormtroopers
* to give a shit because I'm on vacation.