Wednesday, March 11, 2009

"F**k My Life" Stories Of The Day

Some amusing selections from F*** My Life, a blog about bad things that happen to you. Every story begins with "Today..." and ends with "F*** my life" (which they now shorten to FML). I call BS on some of these, but then, you never know.

Many thanks to Chris L., Eli, Ana and Rosie for the link.

Today, I found out that the electric nose hair clippers that I've been using for the past two years are in fact my father's pubic hair trimmers. FML

Today, I went to the Doctors and the nurse asked if I was married, in which I responded "yes". Then she asked if I was sexually active... "no". FML

Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML

Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML

Today, while showering in my dorm, a hand reaches through the curtain and grabs my ass. I hit the person on the other side of the curtain. He opened the curtain thinking that I was his girlfriend. He apologized and he proceeded to have sex with his girlfriend in the shower stall next to me. FML

Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery which I may not survive, she decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone. FML

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML

Today, while driving my kids to school, my son said, "Why don't you find another place to live, so we can just live with daddy?" Then my daughter added, "Yeah, 'cause we LOVE Daddy." FML

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

Today, I found out that I am being sued for losing a set of wedding photos that I took. I lost them by being mugged on the way home after the shoot and £10,000 worth of equipment was stolen from me. FML

Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a "keeper", at which she laughed and said we were "just friends". I was going to propose to her next week. FML

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, and she asked me if I ever get made fun of in the locker room for my small penis. FML

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone boo'ed. FML

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

Visit F*** My Life for more (but please come back when you're done).

Classic 80s Music Video Of The Day

So, basically, he's talking about a roofie here. I never really thought about that before. Nice.

Guitar riff courtesy of Foreigner.

Motivational Posters Of The Day, Vol. 11 (NSFW-ish)

From Willie and The Courteous Chihuahua.

Itchy & Scratchy Clip Of The Day

Love me some I & S. Sometimes I think the best part is the kids laughing.

Educational Video Of The Day (NSFW)

Good info here. From Extreme Movie, which I've never heard of before today and will probably never see, but hey, this scene amused me. Stick around for the end.

Misheard Lyrics Of The Day

Some selections from The Archive Of Misheard Lyrics (, a site that invites readers to send in their misheard lyrics and any amusing details about the error. The URL is based on the frequently misheard lyrics of Jimi Hendrix's Purple Haze: "'scuse me, while I kiss the sky."

Here are 21 of my favorites. The site has hundreds more, so check it out.

Song: Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer
Misheard Lyric: Might as well face it, you're a dick with a glove
Correct Lyric: Might as well face it, you're addicted to love
Story: I thought that it was a song about Michael Jackson and I asked a friend if he had heard this song. He had me recite the lyrics. He laughed at me for days.

Song: Centerfold by J Geils Band
Misheard Lyric: My anus is the center hole
Correct Lyric: My angel is a centerfold
Story: Actually, I read this misheard lyric in a magazine while on lunch break one day. I showed it to a co-worker and we laughed so hard that he started crying and I fell out of my chair and almost pissed myself. I just want to know how many holes this person has.

Song: Losing My Religion by R.E.M.
Misheard Lyric: Let's pee in the corner, let's pee in the spotlight...
Correct Lyric: That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight...

Song: Bohemian Rhapsody
Misheard Lyric: The algebra has a devil for a sidekick, heeeee...
Correct Lyric: Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me...
Story: Singing at the top of my lungs (off key & voice cracking) into my boyfriend's ear. When he recovered from his attack of hysteria, he told me the real words. Think I had a problem with math? I still sing this version.

Song: Summer Of '69 by Bryan Adams
Misheard Lyric: Got my first real sex dream, I was five at the time, played it till my fingers bled, was the summer of '69
Correct Lyric: Got my first real six-string, bought it at the five-and-dime, played it till my fingers bled, was the summer of '69
Story: I think this version is much more interesting.

Song: Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
Misheard Lyric: Here we are now, in containers...
Correct Lyric: Here we are now, entertain us...

Song: Blinded By The Light by Manfred Mann (originally by Bruce Springsteen)
Misheard Lyric: Wrapped up like a douche, another rumor in the night
Correct Lyric: Revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night
Story: I kept thinking to myself....what the hell does a douche have to do with rumors??? I asked a friend and she laughed so hard she turned purple.

Song: Livin' On A Prayer by Bon Jovi
Misheard Lyric: You got to hold on to what you got, it doesn't make a difference if we're naked or not
Correct Lyric: You got to hold on to what you got, it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not

Song: Gettin' Jiggy With It by Will Smith
Misheard Lyric: Kick a chicken with it
Correct Lyric: Gettin' jiggy with it
Story: My cousin heard me singing it and died laughing, then she clued me in to my dismay, all that time I thought I had the words right but didn't understand the meaning, like it was a slang meaning. Boy did I feel stupid.

Song: Blowin' In The Wind by Bob Dylan
Misheard Lyric: The ants are my friends, they're blowin' in the wind, the ants are a-blowin' in the wind
Correct Lyric: The answer, my friends, is blowin' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind

Song: Mysterious Ways by U2
Misheard Lyric: Shamu, the mysterious whale
Correct Lyric: She moves in mysterious ways

Song: Ghostbusters by Ray Parker, Jr.
Misheard Lyric: Who ya gonna call? Those bastards!
Correct Lyric: Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!
Story: It was my dad, actually. He phoned a radio station to complain that they were playing this!

Song: Take Me Home, Country Roads by John Denver
Misheard Lyric: West Virginia, mount yer momma
Correct Lyric: West Virginia, mountain momma
Story: I Heard the remix for 2 weeks on holiday, and decided to sing it at Karaokee in our hotel. Unfortunately this was a family event, the mike was cut, and I was informed that this kind of behaviour would not be tolerated.

Song: Addicted To Love by Robert Palmer
Misheard Lyric: Might as well face it, you're a dickhead in love
Correct Lyric: Might as well face it, you're addicted to love

Song: Desperado by The Eagles
Misheard Lyric: You've been downright offensive for so long now
Correct Lyric: You've been out riding fences for so long now
Story: It was actually my wife who was singing it and I've made her life misery ever since, which is easily 20 years ago.

Song: Closer by Nine Inch Nails
Misheard Lyric: I want a duck shaped like a triangle, you give a toaster to Bob
Correct Lyric: I want to fuck you like an animal, you get me closer to God
Story: I can't take credit for this moment of stupefying adolescent brilliance: it was the responsiblity of a long-lost friend at a summer camp. I think his rendition says much about the atmosphere of "alternative" rock in the mid-'90s, or something.

Song: We Build This City by Starship
Misheard Lyric: We built this city on the wrong damn road
Correct Lyric: We built this city on rock and roll
Story: This is what my friend Rachel thought it said

Song: My Hero by Foo Fighters
Misheard Lyric: There goes my hero, he's old and hairy
Correct Lyric: There goes my hero, he's ordinary
Story: This one comes courtesy of my grandma. Bless her, she's a little deaf.

Song: Can't Stop by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Misheard Lyric: Can't stop the ferrets when they need food
Correct Lyric: Can't stop the spirits when they need you
Story: i was singing it pretty loud at a party and its safe to say im still trying to live it down

Song: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by AC/DC
Misheard Lyric: Dirty deeds and they're done with sheep
Correct Lyric: Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap

Song: Like A Virgin by Madonna
Misheard Lyric: Like a virgin, touched for the thirty-first time
Correct Lyric: Like a virgin, touched for the very first time

Song: Michelle by The Beatles
Misheard Lyric: Michelle, Ma Bell, some say monkeys play piano well, play piano well
Correct Lyric: Michelle ma belle, sont des mots qui vont très bien ensemble, très bien ensemble.
Story: My sister and I were somberly singing along at the top of our lungs when my mom cracked up. Never occurred to us that it was another language.


Related Posts with Thumbnails