Tuesday, March 17, 2009

St. Patrick's Day Drinking Guide

From PeggyGator, who I like in spite of the fact that she's a Gator.

You'll probably want to click the pic for a larger version, unless you're like an eagle or a spider or something, in which case you should probably be out hunting for food or something, shouldn't you?

Classic Movie Intro Of The Day

The first time I saw Beavis & Butthead Do America, this intro made it clear that I was in for a great flick -- especially the credits sequence, a note-perfect homage to 70s TV opens. Brilliance!

Music Video Of The Day

One of my favorite songs from those Irish boys, U2, from their live 2001 concert at historic Slane Castle in County Meath, Ireland. Bono dedicates "Kite" to his father, Bob Hewson, who was buried on the morning of this show. The song is at least partially about him.

Obligatory shill - the DVD. I have it, love it. (There's no CD of the show.)

5 Things Not To Do On St. Patrick's Day

From Ashley V. and HolyTaco.

When it comes to drinking, St. Patrick's Day is the ultimate amateur night. Follow these five easy steps and you'll be able to celebrate the world's greatest holiday the way it should be celebrated and not like a complete dumbfuck.

5. Don't Cover Yourself In St. Patrick's Day Shit

This isn't Halloween, so leave the ridiculous costumes at home. St. Patrick's Day is a celebration of Ireland's heroic ability to drink, don't turn it into a cartoon by showing up at a bar in a plastic green bowler hat, a lime green "F*** Me, I'm Irish" shirt and six pounds of green beads. How would you feel if the rest of the world dressed up as a bunch of fat, ignorant slobs who don't believe in evolution every July 4th? Exactly. If you must, add a subtle touch of green to your regular wardrobe and hit the bar.

4. Stop Telling Everyone You're "Actually Irish"

Just because your great-great-great Grandmother's second cousin was from Donegal does not make you Irish. I hate to break it to you, but you are American. So stop trying to tell everyone that this is "your holiday." You've never even been to Ireland.

3. Don't Get As Drunk As You Possibly Can

I know this one is a little hard to understand, but it's very important. While Paddy's day is about drinking, it's not a free pass to get pants-shittingly wasted. No one wants to hold their friend's hair as he pukes up 13 green beers all over the sidewalk. That's kind of a downer and it usually means the evening is over. If you're not a big drinker, don't try to go beer-for-beer with your friends who drink all the time. Instead, have 1.5 beers/drinks every hour. I know it sounds like a pain in the ass to keep track, but by midnight you will be at peak drunkenness and thanking us for it.

Another tip: Paddy's Day is a great opportunity to hook up with the opposite sex. And girls usually don't sleep with guys who are so wasted that they are either puking or shitting their pants. (Usually.)

2. Don't Drink Any Non-Irish Booze

Don't have one Guinness and then go back to drinking Amstel Light for the rest of the night. Show some respect to the country that gave you this holiday and stick to actual Irish spirits like Jameson (if you want whiskey) or Guinness and Harp (if you want beer) or Potcheen (if you want to die.) There are very few Irish vodkas and gins, so you're probably going to have to do without your girly, flavored cocktails tonight.

1. Stop Speaking In The World's Worst Fake Irish Accent

It wasn't funny the first time you said, "Let go of me Lucky Charms!" It also wasn't funny when you yelled, "Erin Go Bra-less!" or "Aye, you weee lass!" 50 times in a row. Your Irish accent sounds more like Corky from Life Goes On than Colin Farrell. So just stop. Instead, why not befriend an actual Irish person and buy them a beer for giving us an entire holiday that makes it OK for everyone to get tipsy on a work night.

News Story Of The Day: Woman Injured In Sex Toy Mishap

Paging Mr. Darwin.

From Michele.

Woman Injured In Sex Toy Mishap

by Bill Starks
9NEWS NOW & wusa9.com

LEXINGTON PARK, Md. (WUSA) - A Southern Maryland woman was seriously injured in a mishap involving a sex toy over the weekend.

The accident was reported to local fire and rescue personnel about 1:30 a.m. on March 7. The man who made the 911 call said he had placed a sex toy over a saber saw blade, and then used the power tool on his partner, but the blade cut through the plastic and injured the woman.

The victim, a 27-year-old woman (named Iva Coochwound), was reportedly injured and bleeding. She was later flown to Prince George's hospital center by Maryland State Police helicopter.

Detectives conducted an investigation which determined the injury was a result of a consensual act between two parties and no crime was committed.

Classic TV Show Open Of The Day

Great show. Never missed it. They made a Fat Albert movie a few years ago. They shouldn't have.

Fat Old Actors Of The Day

Everyone likes to hate on actresses who get old and fat, but you never hear much about celebrity men who do the same damn thing. Mandy, Dr. Toni and Nancy in New Mexico want to change that, so they sent me these pics. I suddenly feel a lot better about myself.

Val "Iceman" Kilmer has just signed on to star in the remake of The Hindenburg. As the Hindenburg.

The Governator, Ahnuld Schwarzenegger, whose gut now looks like the face of one of those talking trees in The Wizard Of Oz. Who knows what Arnold says when he leaves the buffet line with a plateful of food?

Clint Eastwood. In all the confusion, he can't remember if he ate six Viagras or only five.

John Travolta, working on his diet. I bet that's not a Curves bar.

Pierce Brosnan, looking more like James Brown than James Bond.

Roger Moore. Ok, the dude is like 97. Let's cut him some slack. But I do hope he put some sunscreen on the top of his head.

Dick Gere. I bet his longtime gerbil companion appreciates the spacious new digs.

Rod Stewart - Jesus H. Christ, man. They should not sell Speedos to anyone over 65. Actually, they shouldn't sell Speedos to anyone under 65, either.

Heeeeeeeeeere's Jabba (Nicholson)!


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