Thursday, March 31, 2011
Names of real bands, from The Courteous Chihuahua. My favorite: Shitty Shitty Band Band.
Action Figure Party
Almighty Lumberjacks of Death
Anal Magic & Rev. Dwight Frizzell
Asian Kung-Fu Generation
The Banana Splits
Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash
Big Poo Generator
The Birds Are Spies, They Report to the Trees
The Birthday Massacre
The Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
The Broken Penis Orchestra
Cars Can Be Blue
Cats on Fire
The Child Molesters
Death by Chocolate
The Egyptian Gay Lovers
Enter the Haggis
Father Moo & the Black Sheep
The First Person to See an Elephant
Five Foot Mullet
Flying Monkey Orchestra
The 4 Skins Fuck
Godspeed You! Black Emperor
Go Robot, Go!
Half Man Half Biscuit
Honest Bob & the Factory-to-Dealer Incentives
I Got Shot in the Face
I Would Set Myself on Fire for You
Jackie on Acid
Jedi Mind Tricks
Jon Cougar Concentration Camp
Kiss My Poodles Donkey
Kiss the Anus of a Black Cat
Me First and the Gimme Gimmes
The Men They Couldn't Hang
The Mr. T Experience
Ned's Atomic Dustbin
The Nipple Erectors
Not Drowning, Waving
No Use for a Name
Party Fun Action Committee
Ping Pong Bitches
Please Inform the Captain This Is a Hijack
The Plot to Blow Up the Eiffel Tower
Rainbow Butt Monkeys
Satan's Almighty Penis
Screaming Monkey Boner
Seagull Screaming Kiss Her Kiss Her
Sheep on Drugs
Shitty Shitty Band Band
Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
Stick Men with Ray Guns
The String Cheese Incident
Sultans of Ping
Swearing at Motorists
The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza
Totally Fucking Gay
The Wait Wait Waits
Zodiac Mindwarp & the Love Reaction
This one's for Rachel.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Obese Man Found Fused To Chair He Sat In For Two Years
Police describe deplorable conditions
Police said a Bellaire (Ohio) man had to be removed from his home on Washington Street Sunday after the man's skin had become attached to the fabric of the chair after he sat in it for two years.
Authorities said he was sitting in his own feces and urine and maggots were visible.
Police were called in to help transfer the man to the hospital. Authorities said they had to cut a hole in the wall to get the man out of his home.
Shockingly, two other able-bodied people lived there---another man, who had a separate bedroom, and the girlfriend of the man who was stuck in the chair. Officials say the girlfriend served food to him, since he never got up.
Bellaire Code Enforcer Jim Chase says now the tenants have been given orders to clean it or leave it. One officer said it was the worst thing he ever responded to. And most said the worst part of all was the smell.
Ironically the landlord says the man in the chair rented from her before and used to be a vital active person. She says she checked on them periodically but lately he always sat with a blanket over him. She says she had no idea it had come to this.
Sunday morning his housemates called officials when he was unresponsive. The 43-year-old man is currently in the hospital.
From Popcrunch--list, copy, pics, the whole she-bang.
BENICIO DEL TORO
Big Top Pee Wee
Generally, actors are hired because they are handsome. Unfortunately, they sometimes get a role that requires them to look like they fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down. Maybe it’s because of his naturally hairy face that Del Toro was tapped to play Duke the Dog-Faced Boy in Big Top Pee-Wee.
You know it’s a depressingly bad role when your character doesn’t even get a name. Goldblum played one of Charles Bronson’s targets in the famous Death Wish movie. He sort of looks like a mean, weird version of Jughead in this scene.
Leprechaun was made in 1993 and starred Jennifer Aniston. It’s unlikely after making gagillions of dollars on Friends, she would’ve agreed to this horror movie full of Irish stereotypes and questionable puppetry. Aren’t leprechauns supposed to be friendly and bring you sugary cereal anyway?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation
You’d think with a name like “Vilmer Slaughter” McConaughey would be playing a wrestler or some king of daredevil stuntman. Unfortunately, this role was part of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. It’s kind of like Star Trek: The Next Generation, only instead of a bald spaceman exploring the galaxy, a guy with a leather face explores people’s internal organs with a chainsaw. As a bonus, McConaughey plays a murderous trucker with a cybernetic leg. Shakespeare it is not. (Yes, that is Renee Zellweger as one of the screaming teenagers.)
SIR BEN KINGSLEY
The Love Guru
The name of this character alone should’ve sent Kingsley back to his agent with a baseball bat to beat some sense in him. How embarrassing is it not only to play a part in a painful comedy like the Love Guru, but to become a parody of yourself after playing Mohandas Ghandi in an Oscar-winning movie? It would be like Dustin Hoffman appearing in an 80′s teen sex comedy sometime after his role in The Graduate or Mike Myers ruining the Graduate. Leave the real actors alone Mike.
The term “Valley Girl” might’ve been hip and trendy back in 1983 when they made the movie Valley Girl. Nicolas Cage doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty playing a crazy vampire guy, drunk, or criminal with his face torn off. But in this one, he’s the handsome young punk that wins the girl with dialogue so horrible, you may throw yourself in a valley rather than hear anymore. You know a movie is in trouble when the film makers tout the music in it.
See the rest at Popcrunch.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I just got back from a Sam's Club run. I didn't tell my wife I was going because it makes her nervous. I'm an impulsive shopper, so on past trips I've come home with 1000 food service gloves, 30 cans of green beans and a giant tub of 250 pretzel sticks (that was April and my kid got tired of them after 146).
I also once bought several DVDs which, as it turned out, we already owned, so if anybody wants a copy of Syriana or Driving Miss Daisy II: Ass, Gas or Grass let me know.
The food service gloves were for my hands. I had a rash for a while, so my dermatologist gave me some cream to use at night and told me to wear gloves over my hands while I slept. Rubber gloves are too hot, so I saw the plastic ones at Sam's and though, yeah, that dog'll hunt.
They only came in a two-pack of 500 gloves per box, a little more than I need, but whatever. I wore them for about four nights until my wife made me stop because every time I moved in the bed -- which is a lot -- the sound of rustling plastic woke her up.
Besides, she said, I was never gonna get laid wearing those things and looking like a Subway "sandwich artist" or the sad albino bread guy at Picadilly Cafeteria.
So now we have 492* plastic food service gloves; I gave one box of 500 to my friend Danna, a "be prepared" kinda gal like me, and she was excited. I'm still glad to have my 492, because if I ever end up changing diapers again -- god forbid -- I'm gonna use them. (Update: I no longer have to worry about this.)
But I digress. Sam's pissed me off because like so many places I shop, they play the worst music over their loudspeakers and you're stuck listening to it while you shop. Then one of those shit songs gets stuck in your head, and you walk around all the rest of the day haunted by dreck like "Suddenly" by Billy Ocean (thanks, CVS), "Key Largo" by Bertie Higgins (Publix), or, thanks to Sam's today, "Mr. Bojangles" by the Nitty Gritty (Shitty) Dirt Band.
Can I tell you how much I absolutely hate the song, "Mr. Bojangles"? HATE. IT. Always have. Even as a kid I thought it was so GD lame, this ridiculous song about some rotten old scabies-infested bum who dances for nickels to support his gin habit. Who fucking cares?
And then there's the lame-ass lyrics. "He let go a laugh"? WTF? He was squeezing it in like a fart and it slipped out? You let go a fart, not a laugh. Actually, though, since Mr. Bojangles' breath undoubtedly smells like ripe ass, his laughs are like farts, making the connotation appropriate, if not brilliant.
Whatever. The song blows, and I'm rewriting the lyrics. If I have to have it stuck in my head all day long, I'm gonna make lyrics that I like.
The real lyrics (abridged version):
I knew a man Bojangles and he'd dance for you
In worn out shoes
With silver hair, a ragged shirt, and baggy pants
The old soft shoe
He jumped so high, jumped so high
Then he lightly touched down
He said his name "Bojangles" and he danced a lick
Across the cell
He grabbed his pants and spread his stance,
Oh he jumped so high and then he clicked his heels
He let go a laugh, let go a laugh
And shook back his clothes all around
I knew a song "Bojangles" and it sucked my nuts...
For forty years
A lame-ass tune in three-quarter time 'bout some homeless dude
Who gives a fuck?!
He let go some gas, let go some gas
And then he shit his pants
See? Now I don't mind so much when I hear it.
*492 on 6/25/09. 484 on 3/29/11. Another 18 years and we'll need more.
BK Brawler Admits Battering Worker, Lying To Police
Says Cops Will “Have To Come And Get Me.”
While admitting to battering one Burger King employee and giving police a phony name, the Alabama woman whose videotaped spring break outburst has become a YouTube hit said today that she believes prosecutors have overcharged her in reaction to news coverage of the incident.
Claiming that Florida law enforcement officials “want all the publicity,” Nekiva Hardy, 30, said she has been hit with a felony and three additional misdemeanors because investigators think “this girl is making a joke of it. She has so many views on YouTube.”
“Florida is a jacked up state,” observed Hardy, who was originally charged with a single misdemeanor battery count for the March 19 melee at the oceanfront eatery in Panama City Beach.
“I ain’t blaming nobody but myself,” said Hardy. “I pulled that girl’s hair, that’s a simple battery. I’m guilty of that.” But, referring to several Burger King employees, she added, “Them bitches ticked me off.”
Hardy also admitted telling police she was “Kimesa Smith,” the name of a friend in her hometown of Montgomery.
Hardy also copped to lying to police (and TSG) when she claimed that she had traveled to Florida with three of her four children. If cops thought she had to care for her young children, Hardy surmised, they would be less likely to keep her in custody.
Asked if she expected to travel to Florida and surrender on the five counts, Hardy replied, “Fuck them, they’ll have to come and get me.” She added, however, “It’s gonna be hard to find me.”
(Click to enlarge)
Giggity! Got a favorite Quagmire-ism that isn't on here?
Monday, March 28, 2011
Think twice about handing off a copy of The Giving Tree to a precocious tot; it's one of the few classic children's tomes still in print to feature a giant, frightening visage of its owner on the back cover. We're not sure if Shel just got out of prison, or if he just smelled onions.
Current printings of Where the Wild Things Are have removed the author photo of Sendak -- a wise move. The man is absolutely terrifying, and he's still as cantankerous as ever. In a recent interview, when asked whether or not he had anything to say to parents who find Wild Things too unsettling for children, Sendak said they could "go to hell."
From the looks of the slightly uncomfortable Stine, a working title for his Goosebumps series could have been "Moley Moles." We're sure R.L.'s a nice (albeit unsmiling) guy and all, but giant moles are plenty scary to 7-year-olds. Can't...look...away...
It's one thing to hop on Pop; it's another thing altogether to hunt and kill the creatures you created for your own amusement, then display their heads as trophies. That's our only explanation for what transpired here. The man was a doctor of death, apparently.
We sincerely hope that's the daughter of the famous Winnie the Pooh creator seated on his lap. "Oh bother," indeed.
The rumored white supremacist could've based Slugworth from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on his own likeness. Why so glum, chum? This must be the face of a man who spent a lifetime without candy. We hear his next book in the Charlie series was to be called Charlie Runs Out for a Pack of Smokes.
We'll cut the Jungle Book author some slack on his lack of a cheery countenance, since this shot was taken during an era when photographs were believed to steal part of your soul. But damn, what's up with those eyebrows?
See more at Maxim.com.
best of craigslist > akron-canton
stop-and-talkers at the acme #1
Date: 2009-03-29, 1:47PM EDT
Hey, so you ran into an old friend did you? Or the big sale on all cuts of beef has you in a frenzy? Can't decide which granola looks the best?
Well GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
I swear, I see people standing dead center in a main aisleway, carts nose-to-nose SIDEWAYS, completely blocking everyone's path, yakking about everything from soccer to the economy.
WE'RE HERE TO BUY SHIT AND GO HOME DUMBASSES. GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
See, some of us will park our carts in an inconspicuous location while considering our purchases, because we're considerate of others. Not you.
No, you need to stop and talk. Right in the middle of the lane. You couldn't possibly NOT notice that everyone is running into your carts while trying to squeeze past your idiotic fat ass.
So I guess you just don't give a shit. I also know damn well that you heard me mutter, "fucking morons" as I ran into your cart while squeezing past.
What the hell is wrong with you???
Oh, and how about you moms who like to march up the aisle with all 12 of your little heathens lined up like you're a moving defensive line in a game of red rover?
SINGLE FILE, PEOPLE! Line those bastards up, and move 'em out.
Furthermore, if you want to stand and gawk at the islands set up just inside the lobby, how about you do that BEFORE grabbing a cart and proceeding to jackknife the whole damn entrance?
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.
The very sight of a cart in the bread aisle makes me want to punch you in your clueless face. That aisle is barely big enough for people to traverse, much less push carts. So park it somewhere else while you grab your bread.
What, are you buying so many loaves that your arms can't handle the 20 foot commute?
Afraid your cart will be stolen by someone who noticed your cart was already filled with all the items on his/her list and figured walking away with your cart was so much more appealing than going and picking out his own sardines and pop tarts?
Well heaven forbid YOUR time should be wasted at the store.
To all stop-and-talkers, stop-and-gawkers, and moms shopping with armies: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.