Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Common Phrases To Avoid In Conversation (Of The Day)

From Real Simple (a.k.a Real Obvious). I tweaked a few.

What Not to Say About Someone's Appearance

Don’t say: “You look tired.”
Why: It implies he doesn’t look good.
Instead say: “You look like Judy Garland on a thorazine bender."

Don’t say: “Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”
Why: To a newly trim person, it might give the impression that she used to look unattractive.
Instead say: “Fifty down, 150 to go!

Don’t say: “You look good for your age.”
Why: Anything with a caveat like this is rude. It's saying, "You look great―compared with other old people."
Instead say: “You look good for your age. Most people your age are already dead.”

Don’t say: “I could never wear that.”
Why: It can be misunderstood as a criticism. (“I could never wear that because it’s so ugly.”)
Instead say: “I could never wear that, but I would love to make a tablecloth out of the fabric."

What Not to Say in the Workplace

Don’t say: “That’s not my job.”

Why: If your superior asks you to do something, it is your job.

Instead say: "What does it pay?" or “I'm already on it. Go back to sleep."

Don’t say: “This might sound stupid, but…”

Why: Never undermine your ideas by prefacing your remarks with wishy-washy language.
Instead say: "This might sound stupid, so I figured you were the perfect guy to ask."

Don’t say: “I don’t have time to talk to you.”
Why: It’s plain rude, in person or on the phone.

Instead say: Nothing. When someone comes in, don't look up from your desk or computer, just point to the door.

What Not to Say During a Job Interview

Don’t say: “My current boss is horrendous.”
Why: It’s unprofessional. Your interviewer might wonder when you’d start bad-mouthing her. For all you know, she and your current boss are old pals.
Instead say: "My current boss is the Antichrist, born from the foul loins of a jackal, the son of Satan sent to earth to torment man and destroy everything that is good and pure. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

Don’t say: “Do you think I’d fit in here?”
Why: You’re the interviewee, not the interviewer.
Instead say: "Please don't let the fact that I loathe people keep you from hiring me for your customer service position."

Don’t say: “What are the hours like?” or “What’s the vacation policy?”
Why: You want to be seen as someone who focuses on getting the job done.
Instead say: “Can I take Friday off? I know you haven't hired me yet, but I wanted to go ahead and put in my request early."

What Not to Say About Pregnancy and Babies

Don’t say: “Are you pregnant?”
Why: You ask, she’s not, and you feel totally embarrassed for essentially pointing out that she’s overweight.
Instead say: “If that's a baby, I weep for your vagina."

Don’t say: “Do you plan on breast-feeding?”
Why: The issue can be controversial, and she may not want to discuss her decision publicly.
Instead say: "Do you plan on breast-feeding? I hope so. That would be such a waste if you didn't."

What Not to Say to a Single (or Newly Single) Person

Don’t say: “You were too good for him.”
Why: You are basically saying she has bad taste. And you’ll be embarrassed if they ever patch it up.
Instead say: “You were too goody-goody for him. He needs a nasty whore like me."

Don’t say: “I’m glad you got rid of him. I never liked him anyway.”
Why: She’ll wonder about your fake adoration for him while they were together.
Instead say: “Do you care if go out with him now?"

Don’t say: “How could someone as perfect as you still be single?”
Why: A statement like this comes off as a backhanded compliment. What she hears is “What’s wrong with you?”
Instead say: “What are you, a rug-muncher?"

What Not to Say During a Fight with Your Beloved

Don’t say: “You always” or “You never” or “You’re a [slob, jerk]” or “You’re wrong.”
Why: Speaking in absolutes like “you always” and “you’re wrong” is playing the blame game, and resorting to name calling makes your partner feel helpless, which puts him on the defensive and makes a bad fight worse.
Instead say: “Fuck you!"

Don’t say: “If you really loved me, you would...”
Why: The more you treat your partner as if he’ll never satisfy you, the less satisfied you’ll be. Controlling your partner by imploring him to do something isn’t a good way to build intimacy.
Instead say: “If you really loved me, you would shoot me."

Vid Of The Day: Bridesmaids Outtakes (NSFW)

I gotta see this movie.

News Of The Day: Teeth Tussle

Florida. Again. From The Smoking Gun.

Denture Battle Leaves Dentist In Braces

MAY 25--A Florida dentist is facing assault and battery charges after he allegedly tussled yesterday with an 85-year-old patient over her dentures, police report.

According to cops, Michael Hammonds, 57, was attempting to adjust Virginia Graham’s “lower partial dentures” when the senior citizen “began screaming” due to pain caused by the ill-fitting false teeth.

“Graham removed the partials from her mouth and threw them at Hammonds, which he caught,” according to a Volusia County Sheriff’s Office report.
When Hammonds refused Graham’s demand for a $900 refund, she tried to snatch the dentures from the dentist’s hand, prompting a “brief tug-of-war.”

At that point, “Graham then bent down and bit Hammonds hand forcing him to let go of the partial.”

Graham then got out of the operating chair and sought to leave Hammonds’s Deltona office. But the dentist “got in her face and began screaming at her, causing her to fear that he would potentially cause her harm,” investigators reported.

Graham told deputies that Hammonds physically kept her from leaving his office. She “made one final attempt to leave by trying to climb over the receptionist desk and out the receptionists window,” but abandoned that bid in order to avoid injury.

Sheriff’s deputies observed “multiple bruising” on Graham’s upper arms and forearms, and her “left upper arm was bleeding due to her skin tearing when Hammonds grabbed her arm.” Graham is pictured at left during an interview with Orlando news station WESH.

Investigators--citing the “totality of the circumstances of Graham being 85 years of age” and “Hammonds depriving her the free will” to leave the office--arrested the dentist on a variety of felony charges, including assault, battery, and false imprisonment.

Hammonds was booked yesterday afternoon into the Volusia County jail, and later released after posting $4000 bond.

Friday, May 27, 2011

LOTD Taglines Of The Day

Sometimes it's the simple things. One of my favorite parts of doing this blog is coming up with a random tagline each day. If you've ever wondered what some of them mean, I'll tell you. A lot of these are well-known; others are not.

Pret-ty sneaky sis (70s commercial for the game Connect Four)

Don’t drink the milk. Why? It’s spoiled. (The Little Rascals)

It’s quiet. Too quiet. (random line from every action movie)

I used to be full of piss and vinegar. Now I’m just full of vinegar. (Simpsons)

Circling Uranus in search of Klingons (old joke punchline)

No comprende, it’s a riddle (80s song "Mexican Radio")

We got 3 flies, we got 5 flies (this NSFW video)

Not gettin’ hassled, not getting’ hustled ("Good Times" theme song)

The heck do ya mean? (Fargo)

Never give up. Never slow down. Never grow old. Never ever die young ("Never Die Young," one of James Taylor's lesser-known songs and one of my favorites. A song
with beautiful lyrics about love that endures despite hardship, at least as I choose to interpret it.)

Friends to the end. This is the end, friend. (Something my granddad used to say)

So many social engagements, so little time (Raising Arizona)

It’s just a flesh wound (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

Ribbed for her pleasure (condom ad line)

In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife (classic commercial for the ginsu knife)

The price is wrong, bitch (Happy Gilmore)

How's that Ciera working out for ya? (Fargo)

You talking to me? (Taxi Driver)

You’re soaking in it (old commercial for Palmolive dish soap)

Well it ain’t Ozzie & Harriet (Raising Arizona)

Tell ‘em Large Marge sent ya (Pee Wee's Big Adventure)

I hear the voices in my head, I swear to God it sounds like they’re snoring ("Flagpole Sitta" - Harvey Danger)

Keep coming back. It works if you work it. (AA mantra)

Uno dos tres cautro cinco cinco seis ("Pretty Fly For A White Guy" - Offspring)

I bet you never smelled a real bus before (Ferris Bueller's Day Off)

A companion unobtrusive ("Spirit Of Radio" - Rush)

Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball (SNL commercial spoof)

The gators got your granny.. chomp chomp chomp (old song "Poke Salad Annie")

For that not-so-fresh feeling (classic Summer's Eve douche commercial, which I would link if I could find the right one, but I can't)

Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss. ("Won't Get Fooled Again" - The Who)

Beat on the brat with a baseball bat ("Beat On The Brat" - Ramones)

The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here! (The Jerk)

You are blind as a bat and I have sight (classic SNL clip with Joe Piscopo as Sinatra and Eddie Murphy as Stevie Wonder)

Every Halloween the trees are filled with underwear, every spring the toilets explode (Animal House)

Mind the gap (sign on London Underground platforms)

If you could see it then you’d understand ("Speed Of Sound" - Coldplay)

Do you wanna find alligator cowboy boots that just went on sale? ("Polyester Bride" - Liz Phair)

The beer we’ll pour must say something more somehow (old commercial for Lowenbrau beer)

Because of the wonderful things he does (The Wizard Of Oz)

Hey good lookin’, we’ll be back to pick you up later! (70s commercial for Mr. Microphone)

Smiles, everyone, smiles (weekly line from Mr. Roarke in "Fantasy Island" TV show)

Crack a smile and cut your mouth and drown in alcohol ("Burden In My Hand" - Soundgarden

My name is Otto. It means eight. (A Fish Called Wanda)

It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature (70s commercial for Chiffon margarine)

Look up. Look down. Look out. Look around. ("It Can Happen To You" - Yes)

Tickle your ass with a feather? (Up The Academy)

My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo ("Big Bottoms" - Spinal Tap)

You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. (The Big Lebowski)

All my exes live in Texas (country song by George Strait)

Show us your O face (variation of Office Space line)

Shut your festering gob, you tit! (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

Smile and wave, boys, smile and wave (Madagascar)

Hey lady, what you say, how about some funk today? ("Alligator Woman" - Cameo)

It hurts me more than it hurts you (lie told by parents right before they spank their kids)

Can’t touch this (MC Hammer)

Let me hear your body talk ("Physical" - Olivia Newton John)

You know forks were invented so that man could at least make a pretense of separating himself from the apes. (Overboard)

Me and my machine for the rest of the morning ("Millworker" - James Taylor)

Just go and lay your hand on a Pittsburgh Steelers fan (just one of the many utterly inane lyrics from the unbelievably awful Charlie Daniels' song, "In America")

Clowns never laughed before. Beanstalks never grew. ("The Brady Bunch")

Do it for Johnny! (The Outsiders)

Let the wild rumpus start (Where The Wild Things Are)

If we don’t get some cool rules of our own, pronto, we’ll just be bogus, too (Fast Times at Ridgemont High)

Meanwhile, back at stately Wayne Manor… (frequent line in 60s "Batman" TV series)

A way to shield the hated heat ("Driver 8" - REM)

Gonna buy five copies for my mother ("Cover Of The Rolling Stone" - Dr. Hook)

Wrong way on a one-way track ("Runaway Train" - Soul Asylum)

O elders, fleet and strong and wise, appear before my seeking eyes (70s TV show "Shazam!")

For a nickel I will (punchline to an old joke)

Long-haired freaky people need not apply ("Signs" - Five Man Electrical Band)

You must be this tall to ride (amusement park sign)

“PC Load Letter” What the fuck does that mean? (Office Space)

It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it (what wives say to husbands)

Mom always said don’t play ball in the house ("The Brady Bunch")

Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**ker (Die Hard)

Will there be TP there? (Cornholio line in "Beavis & Butthead")

Pain don’t hurt (Road House)

I know you’re out there, I can hear you breathing (line comedians use when they're tanking)

So money and we don’t even know it (Swingers)

My friends call me Lenny, but I got no friends. (Raising Arizona)

The head, the tail, the whole damn thing (Jaws)

Where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases your blues away ("I've Got Friends In Low Places" - Garth Brooks)

We don’t need no stinkin’ badges (oft misquoted line from Treasure Of The Sierra Madre)

While supplies last (commercial tagline)

Livin’ the dream (just a line people say)

This aggression will not stand, man (The Big Lebowski)

Wax on, wax off (The Karate Kid)

See if you can guess what I am now (Animal House)

You sure got a purty mouth (a disturbing scene in Deliverance that I won't like you to. You're welcome.)

Hey, smell this (something people say to trick you into smelling something foul)

Is it safe? (very disturbing scene in 70s movie Marathon Man)

Hey Mikey! He likes it! (70s commercial for Life cereal)

My god, it’s full of stars (2001: A Space Odyssey)

Goes to 11 (variation of a line from This Is Spinal Tap)

Putting covers on all TPS reports now (variation of Office Space line)

What’s with you, cueball? I’m lookin’ at you and thinkin’, 14 in the side pocket (SNL: Phil Hartman as Frank Sinatra to Jan Hooks as Sinead O'Connor)

Round up the usual suspects (Casablanca)

You had to be there (what people say when a story fails to impress)

Come to the Honeycomb Hideout (70s commercial for Honeycomb cereal)

Try our new fixin’s bar (something you see in ads for Shoney's or steakhouses where they put little plastic tabs in the steak to tell you how well it's done)

I’m real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky (Better Off Dead)

I gotta sleep under some Chinaman named after a duck's dork. (Sixteen Candles)

Philomath is where I’ll go, by Joe ("Can't Get There From Here" - REM. Philomath is a tiny little town near Athens, GA)

Thank you, sir, may I have another? (Animal House)

Is this thing on? (classic line from tanking comedians to microphone)

Assume the position (Animal House)

Here come the hammer (MC Hammer song)

Now available in stupid (random line I made up)

May cause anal leakage (actual warning on products made with Olestra)

Have a beer. Don’t cost nothin’ (Animal House)

“Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?” (classic joke punchline)

Guests of LOTD stay at the Essex House, overlooking Central Park (old SNL line)

Just step aside or you might end up in a heap (line from "Road Runner" theme song)

Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. (Sixteen Candles)

You gonna eat that? (something indiscriminate eaters say to other eaters who don't finish a meal)

What’s in the box? (Se7en)

I know that’s right (random)

Guilty feet = no rhythm (my interpretation of a line from "Never Gonna Dance Again" by George Michael)

She loves to move. She loves to groove. She loves the lovin’ things. ("Any Way You Want It" - Journey)

Abandon hope, all ye who enter (classic line from Dante's Divine Comedy)

Jeetyet? (something country folk say when they want to feed you)

Take it easy, man, there’s a beverage here! (The Big Lebowski)

With refills you can make Bugs Bunny or Bozo The Clown (line from old Lite Brite toy commercial)

Just a little pin prick ("Comfortably Numb" - Pink Floyd)

Release the hounds (The Simpsons)

Liquor in the front, poker in the rear (random)

Two lost souls livin’ in a fish bowl, year after year ("Wish You Were Here" - Pink Floyd)

Stay gold, Ponyboy (line from The Outsiders) and the scene it references)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

9 Random Things I Love/QOTD

I'll leave out the obvious: my wife, my kid, homemade mac & cheese, boobs.

The smell of honeysuckle

People (or animals) who like to laugh

When a stranger speaks to you first (exceptions: street-corner crazies, Amway salespeople)

Blasting good music in my car (I'm already half-deaf, so why not?)

Movies that are a pleasant surprise (JJ Abrams' Star Trek, Beavis & Butt-Head Do America) instead of a disappointment (there isn't enough bandwidth)

A good story told well (and economically)


The smell of a baby (before he fills his diaper, that is)

The sound of an oboe, a bassoon and a cello (individually or together, I'm not picky)

Bonus (and self-pimpery): funny, ridiculous porno movie titles

Let's hear yours.

Really Short TV Clip Of The Day: Locksmith

So short, so sweet.

Great Movies That Won Zero Oscars (Of The Day)

A list from Eddie D. that's hard to believe: none of these classic films won a single Oscar.

Singin' In The Rain (1952)
2 nominations; not nominated for Picture
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: 10
IMdb.com rank: 74

Taxi Driver (1976)
4 nominations, including Picture, Actor (Robert DeNiro), Supporting Actress (Jodie Foster)
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: 47
IMdb.com rank: 36

Dr. Strangelove (1964)
4 nominations, including Picture, Director (Stanley Kubrick), Actor (Peter Sellers)
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: 26
IMdb.com rank: 21

The Maltese Falcon (1941)
3 nominations, including Picture, Supporting Actor (Sydney Greenstreet), Screenplay (John Huston)
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: 23
IMdb.com rank: 62

Rebel Without A Cause (1955)
3 nominations, including Supporting Actress (Natalie Wood), Supporting Actor (Sal Mineo)
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: 59
IMdb.com rank: N/A

Rear Window (1954)
4 nominations, including Director (Alfred Hitchcock)
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: 42
IMdb.com rank: 13

12 Angry Men (1957)
3 nominations, including Picture, Director (Sidney Lumet)
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: N/A
IMDb.com rank: 14

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
7 nominations, including Picture, Actor (Morgan Freeman) and Screenplay
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: N/A
IMdb.com rank: 2

The Great Escape (1963)
1 nomination, for Editing
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: N/A
IMdb.com rank: 77

Psycho (1960)
4 nominations, including Director (Hitchcock), Supporting Actress (Janet Leigh), Cinematography-Black and White.
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: 18
IMdb.com rank: 22

Field of Dreams (1989)
3 nominations, including Picture
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: N/A
IMdb.com rank: N/A

The Caine Mutiny (1954)
7 nominations, including Picture, Actor (Humphrey Bogart)
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: N/A
IMdb.com rank: N/A (IMdb only ranks Top 250)

American Graffiti (1973)
5 nominations, including Picture, Director (George Lucas)
0 wins
AFI Top 100 rank: 77
IMdb.com rank: N/A

For reference, here are a few movies that did win Oscars:

Pearl Harbor
How The Grinch Stole Christmas
Top Gun
Dick Tracy
The English Patient
Independence Day
Legends of The Fall
Bedknobs And Broomsticks
Dirty Dancing
The Ghost And The Darkness
Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom
The Woman in Red
You Light Up My Life
The Poseidon Adventure

Just sayin'....

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

17 Jobs Worse Than Yours (Of The Day)

Proving once again that no matter how bad you have it, some poor bastard always has it worse.


















Vid of the Day: People of Walmart

You've seen the site, now see the music video. Hilarious!


80s Follow-Up Hit Of The Day

My Facebook friend Liz Z. quoted Corey Hart's "Sunglasses At Night" in a comment to me earlier, so I challenged her to name Corey's follow-up hit to that song. She could not (tsk tsk). Here 'tis. For Liz. And all of you. Never surrender, folks.

Kim Jong-il Looking At Things (Of The Day)

Look at Kim Jong-il looking at things. From the Tumblr blog called Kim Jong-il Looking At Things. And FOLOTD Kate Stransky.

Looking at a turbine

Looking at a computer mouse

Looking at girls

Looking at linen threads

Looking at snowflakes

Looking at a map

Looking at butter cookies

Looking at pottery

Looking at canned tomatoes

See more pictures of at Kim Jong-il looking at things at Kim Jong-il Looking At Things.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Mayoral Candidate of the Day

Steve Berke is running for mayor of South Beach, Florida. If that doesn't work out for him, I propose making him LOTD jingle-writer.

-Heidi Renée

Best of LOTD: Things Former Bosses Have Said To Me (Of The Day)

(Originally posted in 2007)

Real quotes from former overlords of mine.

"Not everyone gets promoted to busboy. You gotta prove yourself on the dish line first. Only the best make busboy."

"You get an hour for lunch, but try to be back in 45 minutes so the person covering your register can take their hour."

"Write whatever you want. Nobody listens to that crap anyway."
(Referring to "coming up next" narration over the end credits of a TV show or movie)

"We want spots with a real cum-in-your-face feel to them."

"The good news is, I can hire you. The bad news is, I can't pay you."

"Did you get hit in the head or something?" (after I did an uncharacteristically poignant promo for the movie, Corinna, Corinna)

"I don't want to hear the phones ringing three or four times! You guys should answer them before they even ring."

"I like the spot. I don't really like the script or the music, and the VO is awful, but otherwise it's fine."

"You didn't show enough enthusiasm at the staff meeting. Everyone else seemed really into it."

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" ("Bangin' your old lady?")

Let's hear yours.

Classic Music Video Of The Day: Joey

I've been looking for this vid for a loooooong time. Now, finally, it appears (thanks, Glee).


Favorite British Words Of The Day

Not mine, Merriam-Webster's. Mine are guv'na, gor blimey and bollocks. Jiggery-pokery... nothing at all what I thought it was. Ditto boffin (the apostrophe makes a difference: boffin'). I thought pukka was a type of bead.

From M-W: "Although Merriam-Webster is a dictionary of American English, it contains a range of words rarely heard outside Britain. Here are some of our favourites."

PRAT: a stupid or foolish person

"Everyone's feeling a bit summery this morning, with a few rays breaking out over Britain and some of you lot daring to break the 'anyone who wears sunglasses in April is a prat' rule that we just made up." – 3am.co.uk, April 6, 2011

TWEE: affectedly or excessively dainty, delicate, cute, or quaint

"Micmacs [is a] ramshackle and unbearably twee French comedy." – Chris Tookey, Daily Mail Online, February 26, 2010

(Twee + Prat = Twat, a quaint idiot? - C.)

KNACKERED: tired, exhausted

"Went for a 4 miler and then when I got back from work we took the kids swimming. Nice and knackered now." – blog post at SoreLimbs.co.uk, January 18, 2011

JIGGERY-POKERY: dishonest or suspicious activity; nonsense

"[Greece] flouted European Union rules on the limits to budget deficits; its national accounts were a moussaka of minced statistics, topped with a cheesy sauce of jiggery-pokery." – Jeff Randall, The Telegraph, May 20, 2010

PLONK: cheap or inferior wine

"Fine diners are drinking premier cru wines at plonk prices as a bring-your-own booze revolution gathers pace in Britain's best restaurants." – Robert Booth, The Guardian, June 20, 2010

CHUNTER: to talk in a low inarticulate way: mutter

"Tell me about it. I was chuntering on last night about *padded* training bras." – michlan on Twitter, April 13, 2011

WHINGE: to complain fretfully: whine

"I shall have one pint of beer less every time I'm in the pub, and I might occasionally whinge about the rises in the cost of living outstripping my wages." – blog post on A Dull Day at Work, April 2, 2011

GORMLESS: lacking intelligence: stupid

"Gormless, unhelpful and poorly trained shop staff create merry hell for customers who are simply exercising their legal rights to a repair, refund or replacement." – Sam Dunn, Two Pennies Worth blog, March 22, 2011

BOFFIN: a scientific expert and especially one involved in technological research

"Brain boffins at University College London have made a major breakthrough in the ongoing effort to bridge the gap between man and machine." – Rik Myslewski, The Register, April 11, 2011

PUKKA: genuine, authentic; first-class

"... the record-breaking Sri Lankan [cricket player] has always shown himself a pukka gent...." – William Langley, The Telegraph, July 24, 2010

More at Merriam Webster.

Commercials Of The Day: Barbie's Pets

From MtnMama, who sent these like a year ago. Oops.

Tanner want a treat?

Mika's thirsty again

Yeah, no thanks. Like my kid's gonna clean up a fake litter box. She can't even flush the toilet.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Money Graffiti Of The Day

Illegal but amusing. Doesn't matter to me as long as the strippers take it.

Is that a trick question?

It's a man, baby!

Amy Winehouse?

Nah. If it were a $100, maybe.

Donnie Darko


... by giving them a tenner.

Is that a trick question?


Related Posts with Thumbnails