Friday, September 30, 2011

A Brief Summary Of The Worst Ideas In History

From Maxim.com.



65 MILLION B.C.
“Fuck sweaters, man. We’re dinosaurs; ain’t a little ice gonna mess with us, bro.”

10,000 B.C.
“Here, Adam, try a bite of this shiny round fruit! It’s delicious!”

1184 B.C.
“Hector! Paris! Check out this sweet wooden horse!”

1020 B.C.
“Some kid named David with a slingshot? I don’t need a helmet. It’ll just mess up my hair.”

1540
“Henry VIII might not have got along with his first four wives, but I think I can change him.”

1626
“Check it out, Prances Like Elk, these stupid palefaces gave us all these dynamite trinkets, and all we have to do is give them Manhattan!”


1812
“Who’s up for a land war in Asia?
Moi!”

1865
“Mary Todd, what do you say we see what’s playing down at Ford’sTheatre?”

1876
“If we all run straight at the Injuns, this day will go down in history as Custer’s Ass-Kicking Stand!”

1888
“Ooh, right there, Alois Hitler. Leave the condom off.”

1912
“Don't clutter the deck with too many lifeboats. We’re unsinkable, baby!”


1919
“The Yankees will pay how much for him? Sell!”

1919
“Here’s the cure for all of America’s problems: Prohibition.”

1937
“You know what would beat the hell out of taking the train? Zeppelins.”

1941
“C’mon, Emperor, let’s bomb Pearl Harbor. What’s neutral America going to do about it?”

1962
“The Beatles? Sorry, we here at Decca Records know that guitar music is on the way out.”


1971
“I hate taking notes. Let’s just use a tape recorder.”

1973
“Hey, Yoko, what say we get a place in Manhattan?”

1979
“Woody, can you baby-sit Soon-Yi tonight?”

1980
“Indiana Jones? Tom, you have a contract for Magnum P.I. And that, my friend, is your ticket to the stars!”

1984
ABC execs to Bill Cosby: “Viewers won’t watch an unrealistic portrayal of blacks as wealthy, well-educated professionals.”



1988
“Show ’em you’re tough–put this helmet on, Mr. Dukakis.”

1989
“Well, Mr. Coppola, if we can’t get Winona Ryder, maybe your daughter Sofia could play the Corleone girl.”

1990
“Can we book Roseanne to sing the national anthem?”

1992
“Let’s make a car that gets four miles per gallon. Gas is cheap!”

1995
“God, I am so horny. Get me a fat chick. Fat chicks never talk.”

1998
“All I have to do is flash my boobs for a free T-shirt? I’m sold! This will never come back to haunt me!”


2001
“Football + wrestling = gold mine!”

2002
“Low-cut jeans for everyone!”

2003
“Let’s cast Affleck and J.Lo together and name the movie something no one can pronounce, like Gigli. We’ll be printing money, people!”

2003
“And then, just to really wow ’em, I’ll stand in front of a giant mission accomplished banner.”

2004
“So listen, I’ve got this great idea for the halftime show at the Super Bowl…”


2006
“I know what will take my post-Seinfeld career into the stratosphere—stand-up comedy!”

2007
“We plant a bunch of bomb-looking Adult Swim characters throughout Boston, but don’t tell the cops. People will tune in in droves!”

2008
“Before we hit the club, let me tuck this unregistered, loaded handgun into the waist of my loose-fitting sweatpants.”

2009
“You know what’d be so badass? Instead of reading the oath of office at the inauguration, I’ll memorize it!”

2009
“Mike, if you really want a good night’s sleep, try surgical-strength sedatives.”


2009
“Honey, inflate the giant silver balloon. I know how to land us a reality show.”

2009
“Tiger, have you thought about getting an unlimited texting plan?”

2010
“Let’s keep Conan on the air while we figure out what to do with The Tonight Show. He’s not going to make NBC look like idiots or anything."


Burning Question Of The Day: Hot Dog

From AskReddit. Click the pic to see the comments, which are as every bit as amusing as you might imagine.



12 Types Of People You Meet On Twitter

My favorites: bedtime guy and people who have conversations.

From Mr. Minimac and The Joy Of Tech.


Thursday, September 29, 2011

Helpful Article Of The Day: How To Poop At Work

Oh yeah, there's definitely a skill to it. From Gin and Gawker (which sounds like a bar game or a catalog but it's not).



HOW TO POOP AT WORK

It's a sad inevitability. No matter how hard you try, how accurately you plan, how much you control what you eat, it's going to happen at some point: you will have to poop at work. It's where the biological meets the professional and it's always, pardon the expression, a shit show. Let's try to make it easier, shall we?

As the children's book tells us, everyone poops, and everyone has to work, but while we have to work together it doesn't mean we have to poop together, or at least acknowledge that we are all pooping in the same place. It's the great unspoken occurrence of the workplace (unless your office has some crazy rogue nasty pooper or something).

So, here are some easy rules to follow so you can drop the deuce without ruining your professional reputation.

(Read it at Gawker)

Vid Of The Day: Keytar

Now THIS is how you play keytar, my friends.



Best YouTube comments:

"My penis is confused."

"This sounds like something Borat would listen to."

Nicolas Cage's Top 10 Bad Movie Wigs Of The Day

An amusing list from FOLOTD Lindsey, who has no blog but asks instead that you visit the Camp Sunshine website in honor of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Thanks.

NIC BEFORE:



NIC AFTER:

10. GHOST RIDER

Who were they kidding? I don’t care what wig you put on him, Nicholas Cage cannot look younger than 57.

9. MOONSTRUCK

Not even Cher would go for a guy with hair like this.

8. PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED

The hair… the voice… just NO.

7. NEXT

If he’s a magician then why can’t he conjure up a better 'do?

6. BANGKOK DANGEROUS

The only dangerous thing about this movie is the fact that his hair would catch on fire from a spark ten feet away.

5. ADAPTATION

Not only is this wig reminiscent of pubic hair but we had to see it on not one but TWO characters since Cage played twins Charlie and Donald Kaufman. Double party foul.

4. THE SORCERER'S APPRENTICE

I guess this wig was supposed to make him look mystical and sorcerer-like but it just made him look homeless.

3. SEASON OF THE WITCH

Nicholas was meant to look knightly while galloping on a horse with his long flowing locks. Mission not accomplished.

2. DRIVE ANGRY

He escapes from Hell to avenge his daughter’s death… too bad his hair stayed behind!

1. CON AIR

As convict-with-a-heart-of-gold Cameron Poe, Cage proves once again that criminals always wear mullets and wifebeater tank tops.

We'll give Nic the final word:




WTF Music Video Of The Day

A definite improvement on the original, which totally sucked. From Bailey and Angie.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Scumbag Of The Day: Guitar Thief

From The Smoking Gun.



Cemetery Worker Stole Guitar From Army Vet’s Casket

SEPTEMBER 26--A Wisconsin cemetery worker allegedly removed a valuable Fender guitar from the casket of a 67-year-old Army veteran who died last week and had told family members that he wanted to be buried with the instrument, which was his “pride and joy,” according to court records.

Steven Conard, a 39-year-old grounds worker at the Allouez Catholic Cemetery, was arrested Saturday and charged with felony “theft from person or corpse.” Conard, who plays in a band, reportedly confessed to stealing the Fender Telecaster when confronted at his home by Brown County Sheriff’s Department deputies.

“This isn’t something I normally do,” Conard said, according to a Circuit Court criminal complaint. “I just have a respect for fine musical instruments.”

The cream-colored guitar was recovered from Conard’s living room, where the instrument was on the floor “in plain view.” Conard is pictured in the above mug shot.

The $2000 Telecaster had been placed in the casket of Randall Jourdan, who died last Monday. Jourdan, a father of nine and grandfather of 29, “liked to play guitar and watch baseball,” according to a Green Bay Press-Gazette obituary.

William Jourdan, one of the decedent’s sons, told investigators that his father had played guitar for more than 40 years “and that this guitar was his father’s pride and joy.”

Cops added that, “William stated Randall told everyone that he wanted to be buried with the guitar.”

(Story continues here)


Vid Of The Day: Guy On A Buffalo

"Hey, you want this baby?"


Super-Cool Vintage B-Movie Posters Of The Day

God I love these.





























(Lots more here)

(Sources: Abduzeedo, Dark Roasted Blend, Lost In Negative Space)

Parents Of The Week (vid)

Good job, now let's try some bong hits.


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

30 Cool Stanley Kubrick Cinemagraphs (Of The Day)

Iconic moving images from Kubrick's best movies. From FilmmakerIQ.

Filmmaker IQ: "Cinemagraphs are still photographs in which a minor and repeated movement action occurs. The term 'cinemagraph' was coined by U.S. photographers Kevin Burg and Jamie Beck, who used the technique to animate their fashion and news photographs beginning in early 2011."












See more here.

News Of The Day: Man Busted for Breaking Into Celine Dion's Mansion, Snacking, Bathing

If only Mr. Bedard had left a big dump in her toilet, he would win the gold medal for poetic justice.

From Rachel and Yahoo's Amplifier blog.



Man Busted for Breaking Into Celine Dion's Mansion, Snacking, Bathing

Sep 7, 2011--A man named Daniel Bedard has been arrested for breaking into CĂ©line Dion's Montreal mansion, eating dessert, and running himself a bath.

According to the AP, the 36-year-old suspect gained entry to the singer's house fairly easily -- he hopped a fence, located a garage door opener in an unlocked car, and waltzed right in.

Once inside, the intruder made himself at home quite literally. (Dion, her husband Rene Angelil, and their children were not present at the Quebec residence at the time.)

"He opened the water faucets, was pouring a nice warmish bath [and] he even managed to eat some pastry that was in the fridge," police spokesman Franco Di Genova said.

According to the BBC, "Snack wrappers were then discovered in the kitchen, as well as cigarette butts and discarded notes in an office."

An alarm notified cops of a break-in, and when officers came upon the suspect, he even asked them, " 'Hey guys, what are you doing here?' " to which cops essentially responded, um, back at you, dude.

The perp, thinking on his feet, then told authorities he was a family friend, the BBC reports.

After confirming Bedard was not expected at the residence, he was arrested, charged with breaking and entering, car theft, and causing property damage, and released.

Perhaps Bedard should get in touch with the two brave, clueless men who busted into 50 Cent's house, drank wine, and hid in a closet. There could be a blog-to-book deal in here somewhere.

Craptastic 70s Song Of The Day

A lot of us old-timers like to moan about how terrible music is today compared to what we listened to growing up, but the truth is that we had plenty of suck back in the 70s, too. Maybe not as much suck as we have now--I'm thinking 20% suck back then, 90% now--but suck nonetheless. Here's a perfect of example of 70s crapola from yet another group who licked up the crumbs of success left behind by Jackson 5, Osmonds, Partridge Family and other family bands.



Wikipedia says that lead singer Tony Defranco is now a real estate agent in Westlake Village, California.


Monday, September 26, 2011

Classic Commercials Of The Day: Bull

I always loved these because they make no sense whatsoever. That is, unless this campaign is a subtle message telling us that drinking malt liquor can kill you, an assertion that won't be challenged by any of us who has had the misfortune of ingesting it.

I'm glad Schlitz finally made the Marshall Tucker/.38 Special spot. It's only fair--we all know honkies drink that shit, too.

Here's a tidbit I found on TV Acres:


The bull used in the TV spots was named Zane. [Zane] was neutered... so despite his ferocious look, this 2,000 pound bull was just as friendly as a baby. He was owned by Ralph Helfer, the creator of Africa USA, an animal behavioral training center located in Soledad Canyon, north of Los Angeles.


Get 'em, Zane!




Yes, that's Rerun.






Genius Of The Day: Thieving Bride Busted

"I really should invite him to the wedding. It's his money, after all."

From The Daily Mail (UK).



Bride stole £170,000 from her boss for lavish dream wedding... but was rumbled when she invited him

by Louise Boyle

A bride paid for her lavish wedding - including two bands, a free bar and a fireworks display - with the £168,000 (over $260,000 US) she had stolen from her boss.

Kirsty Lane, 29, only aroused the suspicions of her former employer when she invited him to her no-expenses spared big day.

Lane stole the money from the company in Leyland, Lancashire where she'd worked for four years by falsifying invoices in her role as a part-time accounts clerk. Her former boss Peter Sutton said today that her 'unbridled greed' had almost ruined the business.

Mr Sutton, from Preston, said two people lost their jobs because of the ordeal.

He said: 'It was like she was rubbing our faces in it. It was the wedding that first started to raise alarm bells. Up to that point we had no idea. She was always claiming poverty and didn't do anything that would tip us off.

'Then the wedding was the most lavish thing I've ever seen. I trusted her implicitly and this was how she repaid us.'

The mother-of-one admitted to 122 counts of fraud at Leyland Magistrates' Court for stealing from audio visual company Pure AV where she worked until January.



The court heard how she used the stolen money to fund her dream wedding earlier this year to fiance Graham at the Tudor-built Great Hall at Mains venue, in Little Singleton, near Blackpool.

She laid on a fireworks show, harpist, saxophone player, magician, two bands, a DJ, free bar, face painting and even bought elaborate feathered masks for all her guests.

She purchased bridesmaids dresses using company accounts and even bought a lavish £1,500 jewel-encrusted case for her iPad.

Lane pleaded guilty to ten counts of fraud worth a total of £38,000 and asked for a further 112 counts of fraud to be taken into consideration.

Mr Sutton said he did not suspect anything was amiss until he and colleagues attended the function and were shocked at how 'elaborate' the celebrations were.

More sordid details here.

Unnecessary 80s Greatest Hits Albums That Had To Put The Name Of The Band's One Hit In The Title So You Would Even Know Who They Are

A fine list from TheMovieGuru.































Got any other candidates?

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