Thursday, September 22, 2011

21 Celebrities Who Need To Change Their Names (Of The Day)

Everybody's gotta be different now, is that it? Diversity is fine, but give me something I can pronounce. John Wayne. Tony Curtis. Cary Grant. Those were star names. Not this shit.

Nestor Carbonell
The guy who played Richard Alpert on "Lost" has a name that sounds like a sketchy pasta dish. “Our special tonight is Nestor Carbonell -- spinach linguine with caper sauce, topped with long-eared Christmas donkey medallions.”

Sean Bean
Spoken, it’s fine, but it reads as “Seen Bean,” someone Dr. Seuss might’ve written about.

Have you seen Bean?
Who do you mean?

I mean Sean, you fiend,
That's the Bean I mean!

Chiwetel Ejiofor
Chi-wah Who-wha? Can someone Chiwe-tell me how to pronounce this fucked-up name? (Whatever you call him, he played Huey Lucas in American Gangster, where he and The News sang, “I Want A New Drug.”)

America Ferrara
Whenever I encounter assonance in celebrity names, I just want to combine them: “Americarrara.”

Sandra Oh
The sound of disappointment.

“Who’s in this movie?”
“That beast from Grey’s Anatomy.”
“Oh. What else is on?”

M. Night Shyamalan
Shyamalan is fine -- it gives us all a reason to call him “Shama-lama-ding-dong.” But he's gotta lose that unnecessary M. John C. Reilly needs his C because there’s another John Reilly in SAG. Somehow I doubt there’s another Night Shyamalan, and if there was, he surely changed his name after
The Happening.

Kellie Pickler
Don't mind if I do!

Zeljko Ivanek
Great actor (24, Damages, House, Oz), crappy name. Under “Alternate Names,” lists “’Z with a caron Zeljko Ivanek’, ‘Z-with-inverted-circumflex-eljko Ivanek’, ‘Željko Ivanek’ and ‘Z’, proving that even they don’t what the hell to do with that name. Why don't you trade in a k or two for some vowels, chief?

Adam Carolla
I drove a Corolla once. It sucked. I suggest Adam Camry or Adam 4Runner, both far superior makes of Toyota.

William Hung
I hope so, 'cause the motherfucker sure can’t sing.

Andy Dick
Actually, this one is perfect.

Rupert Grint and Ioan Gruffudd
Weren’t those the villains in Great Expectations?

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje
Whenever you say his name, a genie appears.

Miley Cyrus

Jeff Probst
A name that sounds like a cross between two things that frighten me: probe and Pabst.

Skeet Ulrich
Skeet? Were Spunk and Jizz already taken?

Tyra Banks
“Tyra” sounds a lot like “tiring.” Coincidence?

Stockard Channing
Stockyard? No one should have a name that reminds people of pig shit.

Billy Crudup
Shut the crud up, Billy. Yeah, I know, it’s pronounced “KROOD-up.” Like that's any better.

Shia LeBoeuf
Shy in the buff? Why? Coming up a little short?

Wilmer Valderrama

Infomercial Ad Of The Day: Pos-T-Vac

This thing is so horrible, and it runs all the time on the cable channels we watch. I like the not-so-subtle sexual symbolism at :10, although I think the guy should be the one in the tire swing instead of her. The best (worst) part, though, are the testimonials. These guys all look like recent prison parolees who are being made to do this as some sort of community service. And their quotes? Truly profound:

(1:13) "You're either gonna be all that you can be or you're not gonna be all that you can be. This helps you be all that you can be."

Thanks for clearing that up, Kool-Toofs. Hey, 1980 just called--they want their glasses back.

(1:20) "Why take the best part of life out of your life when you can have life with Pos-T-Vac?"

How much you wanna bet this guy starts a lot of sentences with "If you have a brain in your head..." when he's dispensing advice/insulting someone?

News Story Of The Day: Gordon Ramsay's Porn Dwarf Lookalike Eaten By Badgers

Well allrighty then. You can't make this stuff up.*

From Gawker via The Sun. Link from Mel, a.k.a. Mrs. Lefty.

Gordon Ramsay's Porn Dwarf Double Eaten By Badgers

U.K. tabloid The Sun recently introduced the world to Percy Foster, a 35-year-old dwarf porn star whose career was just beginning to catch fire. It was all because an observant production assistant on the set of Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, It's Up Your Arse We Go had noticed how much Foster looked like celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay.

But just as Foster was set to join the rarefied ranks of celebrity lookalike dwarf porn stars, tragedy struck: The body of the 3' 6" performer has been discovered in a badger's den, partially eaten.

According to The Sun's follow-up account, Foster was found "deep in an underground chamber by Ministry of Agriculture experts ahead of a planned badger-gassing programme near Tregaron, west Wales."

They write that "expert CSI teams had to use fingertip technology to remove his body from the six-foot-deep burrow."

Officials have not yet ruled out suicide, and adult film producer Dexter Yamunkeh's comments — in which he intimates that Foster may have cracked under the pressures of being the world's leading Gordon Ramsay-lookalike-sex-dwarf — certainly don't invalidate the possibility.

"Percy was a little guy with big problems," Yamunkey said. "He was doing well but he was under pressure, 24/7, like everyone in this goddamned business."

So tonight, we pour out a little (and I do mean little) gin in memory of poor Percy. We may never get to see his work in Midget MasterChef: Assbasters 7, but his memory will live on all the same.

* Actually, you can make this stuff up. The story is BS, of course.


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